Planet Omega

Chapter 20

 The bath basin we have is really just a tarp in which we placed metal rods to give it a shape. In truth, it more resembles a small pool rather than any bathtub I've ever seen. It's much more glamorous than just bathing by the water pump and its rusty pipe, but takes significantly more time to get going.

It's why Mateo's gesture is one that overwhelms me to my bones. My hands are shaking by the time I finish stripping off my dirty clothes and slipping into the water. I'm too tired to run through the events from the last few days, yet my mind seems determined to make me process them anyway.

Will and Phin made it back alive. Why can't that just be enough for now?

'Because it should have been you who got hurt.'

"Shut up," I whisper, pulling my legs up to my chest and letting my head rest on my knees. I won't feel guilt about it. I won't replay that scene over and over again to figure out what I missed, why it went slightly awry. It wasn't a timing issue.

"Cal?" Emma's voice is soft, tentative. I raise my head to look, but I don't see her. "Can I...?"

"It's fine," I breathe, because it takes too much work to produce a loud enough sound for something too audible.

Emma peers around the corner of Will's train car, where our designated bathing area is because it allows some privacy. I know she's been dying for a moment alone with me to make sure I'm actually okay. Phin had been the priority, and Will is now settled. I'm the one she needs to know is safe.

There's no room within me to be concerned with nudity, and I don't bother shifting to hide anything. I don't care. It's all too much effort. Right now, my system is functioning on whatever it can hold onto until I lay down and close my eyes.

I blink slowly once at Emma, and then rest my forehead on my knees again. I missed her. I missed her, and I'm glad she's safe and was here at the home base when we arrived back home. I don't have the strength to tell her that. Does she know?

My vision briefly begins to blur as I struggle to remain awake, but I'm shaken out of it when I feel a disturbance in the water. I lift my head up only slightly before my hand is taken and my arm extended towards Emma. She's in the water with me, stripped down to just her underwear, and wetting the soapy rag in her hand.

Slowly, gently, Emma runs the rag over my arms, my left arm first and then my right. I merely watch her, but her eyes never meet my gaze, not even for a moment. Once she finishes with my arms, she focuses on my torso, on my belly and my abdomen. She shifts to kneel in the water to get closer so she can run the rag by my chest and collarbone.

Her touch is tender, and I'm mildly confused by her gesture, but I don't dare protest it. I just keep my eyes on her, sometimes blinking for a little too long of a moment, before forcing them to stay open for just a while longer. I dip my head back into the water and allow Emma to rinse the dirt out of my long, tangled hair.

Under any other circumstances, this sort of thing would have done unspeakable things to my body. Especially because it's Emma. Yet, all I can think about is how much I adore her for this. How much I want to tell her that the kindness she shows me is nearly unbearable. It distracts me from the exhausted circles my mind was already putting me through, forcing me to consider that I'm what's wrong with everything that goes bad.

It silences the murderous voice in my head.

I have no concept of time in these moments. I couldn't possibly guess how much has elapsed from the moment Emma said my name to the moment I feel cleaner than I've ever felt. Like whatever happened was rubbed raw right off of me, all of Phin's blood, all of the guilt from not protecting her better. Emma doesn't ask me about it, nor could I focus enough on her to see if there were questions in her eyes.