A Series of Dreary Events

The Bad Beginning: Part 1 (1/2)

The audience got a sudden shock as music began playing on the screen.

Look away, look away (x2)

This show will reck your evening

Your whole life, and your day

"Why would they specifically make a song telling us to stop watching, but expect us to watch?"

"An attempt at Reverse Psychology, perchance?"

"I seem so..."

Every single episode is nothing but dismay

So look away, look away, look away

Three children lose their home and go to live with someone awful

He tries to steal their fortune, with a plot that's not quite lawful

Klaus saw only the shadows of the children mentioned, but he had an idea of who they were, and judging from the way Violet's grip on his hand stiffened, she thought the same.

It's hard to fathom how the orphans manage to live through it

Or how a decent person like yourself would even want to view it

"Oh, heavens, calling us indecent," Dr. Montgomery joked, the only person who laughed was Larry, but he thought it counted, at least.

There's nothing but horror and inconvenience on the way

Ask any stable person "Should I watch?" and they will say

Look away, look away, look away

Look away, look away, look away

[Typewriter sounds are heard as words appear on the screen.] 

To Beatrice –

darling, dearest, dead.

Beatrice tried not to think too hard of it, perhaps it was for someone else, b̶u̶t̶ ̶s̶h̶e̶ ̶w̶a̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶p̶e̶r̶s̶o̶n̶ ̶i̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶r̶o̶o̶m̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶ ̶t̶h̶a̶t̶ ̶n̶a̶m̶e̶.

[We begin in a dimly lit tunnel where Lemony Snicket is seen standing as he lights a match, and begins speaking]

Lemony Snicket: If you are interested in stories with happy endings, then you would be better off somewhere else.

 "Well, good thing we were brought in here with none of those expectations."

Lemony(cont.): In this story, not only is there no happy ending, but there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle. My name is Lemony Snicket.

Jacques put an arm around his brother and pointed at the screen, "Hey, Lemony, it's you!"

"Yes, I could see that."

Lemony: It is my solemn duty to bring to light the sorry history of the Baudelaire children as it happened so many years ago. But you in the audience have no such obligation, and I would advise all our viewers to turn away immediately and watch something more pleasant instead.

"Well, it's not like we could even if we really wanted to."

[He extinguishes the match and waits for a few seconds to see if the viewer will stop watching, when they do not, he lights another]

Lemony: This story will be dreadful, melancholy, and calamitous,

Esmé looked towards Lemony to ask what those words meant, but before she could get a word in, his on-screen counterpart spoke again.