Marauders - Always - Part One

The Vanishing Patient

Sirius was pacing frantically. He would have done anything for a cigarette. His fingers ached he wanted one so badly. "Fuck," he grumbled and leaned against the railing on the stairs outside the front door of the flat in East London. It was cold and his breath streamed out in front of him when he breathed, and he pretended the breath was smoke and tried to trick his brain into believing it.

It wasn't working.

Remus sat on the first step, bent forward and hugging his knees as he stared at his loafers. He looked up at Sirius, who was biting his fingernails rather viciously. "You must stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Biting your nails," Remus said, and he struggled to push himself up to standing position, wincing as he did it, and reached for Sirius's hand, pulling it away from his husband's mouth. "It's disgusting and you're giving me anxiety with you gnawing on your hand like that..."

"I'm giving you anxiety? Rich," Sirius said, "You're the one giving out the anxiety vibes, darling husband."

Remus folded further over himself, clutching onto his ankles and letting out a long sigh and closing his eyes. "I'm sorry," he said as tears he didn't know were in his eyes were pressed out of him. "I'm so bleeding scared of what's going to happen tonight..."

Sirius pushed off from the railing and went and pushed his way down between Remus and the wall of the building, sitting on the step beside him, putting his arm around Remus's torso. "I'll be there with you the entire time, Moony and --"

"Like hell you will!" Remus interrupted.

Sirius looked shocked, "What? What do you mean? Of course I will, I'm always --"

"Not with a brand new werewolf being turned! Are you insane? You wouldn't have any control over him! He'd shred Snuffles to bits."

"Remus, you thought that you would shred me to bits too and I held my own just fine and --"

"I wasn't brand new. New turns are way, way more volatile. I'm going to be lucky that I can hold him off myself, Sirius. There is no way in hell that any of you are coming with me tonight." Though it shook a little, his voice was final. "I have to do this alone."

Sirius stared at the side of Remus's face for several long moments, his heart breaking both for and with his husband's. Sirius turned and punched the wall with the side of his fist - which hurt like hell, and he bit his lower lip frustrated and his hand smarting. "I hate this," he hissed.

"I hate it more," Remus countered. 

Sirius couldn't argue. He was sure Remus did hate it more.

"Do you remember the time I bit you?" Remus asked quietly.

Sirius stared at his boots. He nodded without looking up.

"I still feel guilty for that everyday of my life."

Sirius whispered, "You don't have to, Rey, I'm alright."

"But you might not have been, and I feel guilty for letting one of my friends be in a vulnerable situation where they were nearly bitten by the monster that's inside of me."

"Moony, you are not a monster," Sirius said gently but still with a firmness to it. He looked at Remus and smiled, "No monster wears three jumpers." He tugged on the sleeve of the outermost layer of Remus's jumpers playfully.

Remus didn't take the bait for the lightheartedness, he just stared at his old loafers next to Sirius's boots, his chin still tucked against his knee. They sat in silence for several long minutes, the noise of London thrumming around them. Sirius's eyes followed as some pigeons flew past overhead, their wing flapping frantically as they gained altitude from wherever they'd taken off from. A city bus hissed as it settled at the stop out on the main road and somewhere a car honk-honked in traffic. Sirius thought about how life was just going on all around them as they sat here, Sirius smoking an imaginary cigarette while Remus shivered and refused to go inside.