Old habits die hard (boyxboy)

(7) Road to rebel

Kellan POV

Shit. Don't cry. Head in the game stupid, head in the goddamn game. Got it, ball, left, right, run, block, tackle, pass. Crap I dropped it! It's ok Kellan, you'll be ok. This is for you, the only thing you've ever done for you. I know what's right, I know what's good for me and i'm allowed to be selfish. I'm allowed to be selfish.

Fuck, if this was so good for me then why does it hurt worse than being kicked in the balls? And it's staying too, at least that wears off after a moment!

The final whistle of the game rang loud and our scores were tied, we finished bludy tied. I'm glad I wasn't picked to settle the score and fail the team, besides either way I doubt this game would have been a victory. My team trudged away from the pitch, shattered both physically and spiritually at a loss against high schoolers. Good high schoolers sure, but still just high school students. Not a single one of them came towards me, not before the game, not during, not after. As I peeled my game tank off in a secluded corner of the changing room, I realised the feeling of judgemental and uncertain glances was something I could get used to if it meant not having the weight of my friends' issues atop my shoulders.

My mum was prepared to leave an hour or so later after dismissing the team without forgetting to lecture those receptive. With aching muscles from extraneous effort, the cool leather seats felt like bliss against my bare lower legs so I finally felt myself untense somewhat, sighing in relief.
"Don't get too comfy kid, i'm not at all impressed with your peformance."
My mum asserted with a worried tone. I knew what she was trying to do but frankly I had no energy or emotion left to absorb her critiscism. Though I knew well there was no silencing her when there was something on her mind, so I just grumbled and sunk further into myself, preparing to hear the last thing I wanted to.
"Where was your mind Kellan Williams, that was a huge dissapointment!"
Raising her tone, I tried to interupt and defend myself but was cut short.
"No, don't even try. I thought you were finally on the right track kid, defending that young lady and saying screw it to the worst of your mates. But now i'm not sure, isolating yourself clearly isn't helping you son."

Yeah, because thats what happening. No seriously though, sure I scream sarcasm but that's only as a defense mechanism if i'm honest. It is truly them avoiding me just as much as it's me avoiding them. God how I hated her fantastic observation skills!
"I don't understand why you do it, you never put yourself first! I hate to say it love but your fucking stupid, absaloutley ridiculous... And do you know how hard it is to see my boy so estranged?"
Her voice took a soft turn nearing the end, only making my heart tinge with guilt. She worked tirelessly for us both and all I ever wanted was to return that effort to make her proud.
"I'm sorry mum but I don't mean too, I just don't think they're happy with me right now I... I screwed our team over, you know how much they've struggled without Joe."
I couldn't bring myself to look at her when I replied as she sped along the motorway, despite feeling her stare on me. Though I still heard her sad sigh signalling her switch into what I liked to call, 'mum mode'.
"Dear that kid was a bad person, he may have been our best player but eventually the team will realise they're better off without him."
Swallowing a pitiful lump in my throat as I snorted back my snotty sorrow, she paused briefly to squeeze my leg comfortingly before resuming.
"I mean it darling, what you've done is a good thing and I need you to know that. Don't feel the need to hide away from your friends, the ones that care will undoubtedly come back to you as long as you keep trying from them."
Not baring the pile of emotions flooding from what i've held back, I sobbed out a gargled note of appreciation before trying to compose myself through tissues and distracting myself with the sunset.

It didn't work, I felt no better, not really. And my unusual still silence made this clear to my mum too.

"Oh Kellan, there's more than that isn't there?"
Turning into the driveway she rustled through her pockets for her keys whilst speaking solemly straight to my soul. I didn't know, I genuinly don't know why I still wasn't ok so I just shurgged. I felt empty, naked even as my tired eyes fixated on the dark ground.
"Come on love, you know you can talk to me, we even have some quiet time since your sinblings should be in bed if the babysitters done her blumin job!"
She tried to jest, and I tried to laugh but I just couldn't. It was pathetic to be honest, an attempted laugh came out as another sob making my cup finally overflow, i'm crying.