Old habits die hard (boyxboy)

(11) Will he or won't he

Kellan POV

Anger is reeling through my veins like a race horse, beaten furiously to win that last leg of the race. But what's reeling equally painfully is the drip of his voice, enchanting, and i'll control my anger if it means this whole has a chance of being filled.

Yet I can only control it to a point, and that lies just under my skin because my tongue still spits just as viciously. Especially in regards to my sexuality, and the fact that I never could come out to him. Never.
"As a gay man yourself, you made me feel disgusting. I don't know how or why to this day but I only came to accept myself when I was surrounded by the hate, maybe cause at least they were honest."
Shit, as these words spill from my hoarse throat I try to grip the bench tighter and press my back against the ridged lockers, trying to stabilise my temper. It's working, tight, it feels calming and I can't help but ponder why I haven't ever tried this before.
"You... You hated yourself, you were openly gay but hated that fact. Support your sister to the moon and back for sure, but when you made it so clear how envious you were I was straight I knew I could never be myself around you."
"That's why you..."
His lips moved gently in my vision, slow and calculated but he showed calmness through his slouched posture. I couldn't meet his eyes, not without losing my composure. They were too bright.
"Yeah, they may not be great people but I can love what I love, and love who I love comfortably since I know they're all just twats."

A quiet, joyless chortle came from where Deryk was sat. I know he was only trying to lighten the mood, make me more comfortable maybe, but it only sounded weak against nervous lips. He seemed deep in thought since he always has something to say otherwise, so I had to cut the awkward silence myself.
"But you... You weren't no twat, and that's why it hurt Deryk. I- Oh i'll just come out with it since you've probably heard, you were the first one I ever loved. I loved you so much too, but hearing you speak like that... Trying to restrain me to whatever you enjoyed it was just-"
"Horrible, I can imagine."
To say I was taken aback with his interuption would be an understatement, but what shocked me more was the fact he reached out. Physically, reached out.

The warmth from his hand hastily spread throughout me like a roaring fire as he placed it on my bare knee. A comforting, genuine, soft touch, one that my bodies not used to experiencing anymore. And thanks to that normlessness the tears only began to well in my eyes as it brought back memories of how we used to be. Memories I miss so much. At that moment the realisation hit, i'm not angry, not anymore, I just don't want to acknowledge how caged and broken my heart is so cover it with a furious facade instead. A cowards method, but it's kept me safe up until now. Up until that video, and now I don't know how to act.

"I never got it, never got why the fuck you were so pissed because you weren't the one bullied. They left you alone since you were with them, but behind your back they treated me and Delilah like we were lower than the goddamn dirt on their shoes. I hated you because you let them do it!"
His words sounded mean, normally they would have served to piss me off but now? Now paired with an oddly relaxed and friendly tone it just inclined me to listen truthfully.
"I still do, to an extent to be honest... Yet I didn't see why you'd leave us in the dust like that, you never told me. I couldn't have guessed."
He said shamefully, lips quirking as he retracted his hand to hold his own hanging head through guilt, I guess.
"I think i'm starting to get it, sort of. I've been trying to understand for a while since me and Dee had a fight over my faults, and she made me realise maybe I wasn't as great of a friend as I thought..."
Yeah, good fucking job Deryk, you weren't.
"Though that doesn't mean i'm not willing to try, i've never known you to breakdown like that and I feel so shit knowing it's because of something we left so abruptly and open..."

I, I, I. He always makes it about him!

My mouth wouldn't move though, in fact I don't think I wanted it to since this is the kindest he's treated me for so many years.
"But that's not why i'm here, not for me Kellan. I want to make sure you're ok. It really took me by suprise hearing all this and frankly I can deal with the harassment i'm getting. I don't care! But I can't deal with the fact I know you're hurting, knowing if I just did things differently it could help."
I... I'm not sure how to take that, would he really try and change after all these years, for me? Of course i'd love that, hell my heart still yearns for him but i'm not sure if it's right... He could easily hurt me again, but that was when we were teenagers. We're adults now, I think it's safe to assume he's matured somewhat.
"Right, and what do you want to do about it then? Because you can talk all you like, but without action it's meaningless."
Trying hard to keep my tone neutral and calm, I gestured my body towards him by leaning on my knees to take in his sorrowful expression. It's the first time i've looked in his eyes since him being here and... And they're gorgeous, no furrowed brows, no rolling pupils, just pure sincerity and I really appreciate that.