Incendiary Hearts

Chapter Seventeen

Throughout the night, a steady barrage of thoughts, each one a tumultuous wave crashing against the shores of Michael's consciousness, tormented him. The relentless onslaught of these thoughts, waged war within his mind, refusing to grant him even a moment's rest. They were a ceaseless reel of concerns, memories, and unresolved emotions that held him captive in the wake of their never-ending assault. Its grip was so suffocating, tenacious beyond beliefs, that Michael eventually surrendered to its tyranny and gave up the futile pursuit of any sleep.

He should never have accepted a reconnection with Kevin. Too much history and feelings were shared between them. Their teenage love had altered the course of his life on such massive levels, and what had it brought them if nothing but pain?

He'd finally told Kevin what had happened that ominous day, another part of his mind intervened, at least he could find some solace in that. Michael's heart gave away a painful clench. And Kevin had still wanted to try again, that much had been clear. The devastated look in his eyes when Michael had turned him down, would haunt him forever. Of that, he was sure. Just as Kevin had seemed so sure about them giving it another shot...

Despite their turmoil relationship, despite knowing what had happened that awful day, Kevin didn't blame him. The realization was slowly starting to sink in during the middle of the night.

Kevin didn't blame him.

But does that really matter? He wondered. It was still my fault, wasn't it?

A teeny tiny seed was planted in a deep corner of his mind that night, a whispered thought leaving a very first trail of hesitation behind. Maybe it wasn't as much your fault as you think? Even if he were to let that thought take over his whole mind, grow into a beautiful, sturdy plant, it was still unsettling. Unfamiliar.

New.

Scary...

When his alarm rang in the morning, he got up and made himself ready for work. He hadn't slept a wink, but he was used to sleepless nights. He could still manage a day's work. Besides, it was better to keep his hands and mind occupied, he thought as he'd left for work. He'd been real quiet while he'd left the apartment building, afraid of whom he'd bump into. He didn't have the balls to face Kevin right now. Luckily, Kevin had been nowhere in sight.

Michael thanked the stars for the busy day they had at work. The hectic schedule and several call outs helped him get through the day, though he was not looking forward to the rest of the day, he thought as he slowly undressed at the end of his shift.

"You've been really down lately. What's the matter?" Manuel asked, who was also in the locker room. "What's bothering that heavy heart of yours? Tell Uncle Manuel," he added with a chuckle.

"Nothing," Michael snorted while grabbing his shirt from the locker and pulling it on.

Manuel had already changed into his clothes and sat down on the bench. "No, but seriously, what's wrong, Michael?" He asked.

Michael looked down at him, hesitating. Always hesitating, he thought, annoyed with himself on so many levels. He sighed, this was now or never. Manuel couldn't have provided him with a better opportunity.

Manuel could tell Michael was carrying something truly burdensome. He aged years within seconds as he finally caved. And the sudden pain in his eyes... jeez! Manuel quickly grew somber. "Come on, let's get a drink." He motioned for Michael to follow him as the got up and went to leave the station. They went to Bar 180, the local watering hole for firemen, which was located nearby. A many after works had been held here. "So, tell me," Manuel said as he got back to the booth with two bottles of beers. "What's on your heart? Truly." He handed one of the beers over to Michael, who immediately took a big chug from the bottle.