𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃, jeremiah fisher

twenty-three. it only hurts this much right now

I HAVEN'T BEEN able to get out of bed for a week.

I know everyone's starting to get worried, but I can't find it in myself to pretend to be fine when I'm not. My heart hurts, and I have never quite felt this much pain in my life. I just want the earth to open and swallow me whole so I can stop feeling so shitty.

The worst kind of heartbreak is from a love that never even happened. A one-sided love.

I guess I really was just being delusional thinking that Jeremiah felt the same way for me that I do for him. Maybe I was just telling myself what I wanted to believe. Maybe he really has only ever seen me as a friend.

But then I think of his warmth, his comfort, his sweet words, his dark eyes whenever he kissed me. Jeremiah Fisher can't possibly feel nothing for me after this summer. There's no way.

I'm pissed at myself for getting angry at him when he was breaking it off. He was clearly going through something, and I should have comforted him like all the times he has comforted me. But I didn't. I just got mad and yelled at him. I'm such an asshole.

And that's when I realize something.

I think I would rather stay friends with Jeremiah, have that small part of him, rather than lose him entirely. Maybe I can't ever feel his skin on mine, breathe in his love, touch him the way I did a week ago. But the warmth and comfort of just him beside me is more than I could have ever asked for in the first place.

I was selfish to want more. I should have just been happy to be friends with someone as incredibly thoughtful as him. I shouldn't have insisted on having more than that.

Maybe Jeremiah will never love me the way I love him, but he loves me as a friend, and I think that's enough for me.

It has to be enough for me. Because that is the only part of him I might get.

꘏

I WAS FORCED out of the house by Dad and Rey. They said I needed to get out of my room and clear my thoughts. For once, I didn't argue with them, much to their surprise. I really could use a walk to the art shop to calm myself down.

I'm walking alongside the beach, taking the long path to the art shop, when my eyes are drawn to a figure from the corner of my eye.

Jeremiah.

It's astonishing how my body somehow knows when he's near. How my gaze is ready to cut through any crowd to reach him. How somewhere deep in my soul, I can sense him from miles away.

He's walking toward the beach, the sun casting a glow on his tanned skin. His eyes are cast down, but even from where I'm standing, I can see the melancholy in them. The red around the edges, the bags underneath. My heart clenches with sadness.

It's only when my eyes are on him and my heart beats in tune with his steps that I realize I will never be able to be just friends with him. Not now. Not when I know what he tastes like, what he feels like, what he sounds like when he's waking up.

I'm selfish, but I don't think I can willingly do something to cause myself pain consistently. I don't know if I can survive being friends with the boy who has seen the deepest corners of my soul.

His head turns slightly and his eyes meet mine.

For a second, all I can do is stare at him. Wonder what it would be like to call him mine.

And then I cast my eyes down, turn around, and start walking away.

jeremiah's pov