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Sunlight enters the room too soon, uninvited, unwelcome. It's time to pack the few items I brought with me and leave this hidden castle in the woods. Chan is by my side, his long arm draped across my body like a leash, very determined to keep me in place.
Well, I have to be strong and protect my heart from breaking. I have to be the one who says when this ends. And it ends in a few hours, when our plane touches the ground.
- Chan, wake up. It's morning.
A mumble comes from him and his arm pulls me closer. I could easily fall into this trap called love again, but memories Jonathan left behind are still fresh and ugly. Like an ugly wound, they remind me over and over again that nobody is perfect.
Just like Chan, Jonathan was from the rich, privileged world. We used to meet at his penthouse apartment with its breathtaking view and room service. The place was so big it occupied up the entire floor. And we fucked in his lavish master bedroom, overlooking the city.
He bought me clothes and jewelry, as if I cared about any of it. He'd tell me to stay inside while he was at his meetings, and I saw nothing wrong with that. I worshiped the ground he walked on. Until my love began to feel like a heavy weight I carried around. I had to tiptoe around him, always careful not to do anything wrong.
Then, one night, we met by accident at a nightclub. Not the fancy kind of club, a cheap one with fog machines that covered up the dirt and smell. I was so glad to see him and instinctively wrapped my arms around his neck. But he didn't smile. He was cold. Distant. A stranger.
- Who's that? - a guy wearing a suit asked Jonathan. He looked at me like I was some kind of dirt you don't even talk to.
- No idea. - he said, and removed my arms from his shoulders. He even gave me a disgusted look, the way you'd give a leper.
It was inconceivable to me that he would reject me like that. Maybe it was a joke, I thought.
- Jonathan? - I asked, waiting to see his disarming smile again, or at the very least, for him to pretend I was just a friend.
- This guy knows your name! - a dumbass next to him felt the need to state the obvious. Then some girls with piercing voices gave me the up and down look, and added:
- OMG, how do you know someone at this place, Johnny?
- It's nobody. Just a good fuck. - he said.
And they laughed.
He didn't turn his eyes away, that was the worst part. He looked at me with disdain because I dared to approach him outside of his penthouse walls. His company, those "posh and sophisticated" people, asked him:
- How much did you pay him? - Does he do everything? - Where did you find him?
It was one humiliation after another. One punch after another. I stood there as if I wanted to be beaten by their words, like I deserved it all because I was stupid enough to love him. He turned his back to me and began to push his group further from me.
- Since you ask... - I spoke loudly to make sure everyone hears, and they all turned around to hear me. - Jonathan was a horrible fuck. Plus, he gave my friend an std.
- Whaaat??
- I hope you don't get off by watching bathroom cameras any more, Johnny.
I have no idea how those words came out of me. He rushed toward me, probably to hit me for defaming his name, but Minho's loyal foot happened to be in the way and Jonathan fell face down like a log.
I blocked his number, mainly to prevent Ryujin from finding him and saying all the things she wanted to say to his face. What she wanted to say was pretty nasty for her sweet character.
That episode never disappeared from my mind. I can't just bury things that happened to me deep inside. After him, I started thinking that maybe I am just a good fuck and nothing more. Maybe he really was buying my love with gifts, I just didn't see it. Maybe it was all just a monetary transaction.
The next time some rich, privileged guy suggested we go somewhere private, I considered taking the offer. I felt like I didn't deserve any better. It was Ryujin and Minho who pulled me out of the depression. I promised myself to stick with my friends, and never give my heart to anyone.
Then this guy appeared! Kind. Interested in my life story. Attentive to my every need.
Sure, he introduced me to his friend Changbin, but that doesn't mean anything. If one day I see him at a movie premiere, he'll probably pretend he doesn't know me because the nation's favorite actor can't be gay.
I have to protect my heart. I have to go back to Ryujin unbroken. Let's just keep happy memories and not allow anything ugly to happen. This moment, with his arm holding me like an anchor in a storm, is what I'm packing in my bag and taking home with me.
- Chan, we need to wake up.
- I don't wanna.
- I also don't wanna but we have a plane to catch, no? And Max needs to go back to Changbin.
- Can we stay here? Forever?
Ok, I didn't see that question coming. It's not like my shiny career as an animation designer will suffer if we stay here. It's not like someone is waiting for me at home.
The reason we have to leave is - Chan. His face is all over social media for the new movie that's coming out. People are waiting for him. They depend on him to show up at the next premiere, next movie set, award ceremony. It would be selfish of me to take all that away from him and make him ordinary. He's nothing but ordinary. He spent years working on his acting skills, networking, and auditioning. Who am I to ruin it all for him?
- People wait for you, we have to leave.
- We do? - he looks at me from underneath his soft curly hair.
- We do. Come, let's make coffee. I bet Max is waiting for his breakfast too.
He sits up, facing the window, and I leave him there, sitting still and lost in deep thoughts. When I open the bedroom door, I expect to see happy tail wags like every morning.
But Max just lies there with his snout flat on the floor. How does he know we're leaving today?
