✮ 𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙜𝙞𝙧𝙡 𝙣𝙚𝙭𝙩 𝙙𝙤𝙤𝙧 ✮

CHAPTER TWO: WORN

TW: mentions of medical hospital/injury, mentions of bullying

Carrie

"Hello?" I ask the lady outside my door.

"Hello, you must be Carrie Gonzales. You just moved from that condo building across the parking lot?" She asks me in a stern voice.

"Yeah, I did." I say.

"Well you have yet to pay your monthly rent for that lease." She informs me, in her same serious, stern tone.

"But..." I that's all I manage to get out, I'm very confused even though I don't want to admit that to a stranger like her.

"I know it may be confusing to someone as young as you are, but the company that owns where you're living requires you to pay your monthly rent before the month has ended." She explains.

I nod my head, "And what is the last day that I have before I pay?" I ask.

"In 3 weeks from now, so about a month from now. But it's in your best interest to pay in the next week or two to lay off the stress of daily living." She says that final part with a twinge of sympathy in her voice.

"Of course," I nod my head.

"Just make sure to walk up to the front desk, the old one that you used to go to. She'll have papers for you to sign and after that, you're free to move back here, as long as you pay the monthly rent for this condo as well." She concludes. "Have a nice day." 

"You too," I say, shutting the door behind her as she walks down the stairs to the next floor.

I lock the door and walk down to my bedroom. I lay down on the bed and reach over to the window to gingerly close the blinds. As I lay down I think about how much work it took to get here. 

I had moved from the small city of Palenque with my mother, father, and older brother. We'd went to Florida and I had gotten bullied out of my mind at school. I had almost gotten deported and my parents moved back to Mexico the day I had turned 18. I moved in with my older brother and his wife. They had been together since grade school and really loved each other. Anyway, life was difficult then, his wife had gotten pregnant and they had banned abortion in the city we were living in at the time. I felt so bad, I really wanted to move out, and by the time their child was two, I was ready to leave.

Here I am now, in LA, and all I can think about is that stupid boy. I'm not even sure if I have feelings for him, maybe just a longing to get to know him. People that used to know me have told me that I'm obsessive when I meet a person I want to get to know. That makes it difficult to really get to know anybody...

And makes me come across as weird. So from now on, I'm gonna work on that, whether it takes decades or a week, I'll train myself to be a lot less awkward. If that can even happen on a budget. I close the blinds on the other side of my bed and sit up. I guess I'll start by clearing my mind. Try not to think.

After a couple of minutes, I feel my soul drifting away from my physical body. I open my eyes and see myself sitting criss-cross down on my bed with my eyes shut. I try to swim back to myself but there's an invisible barrier stopping me. 

I cry out for help, but it's drowned by the sound of silence.

All I can do is...

SWIM FORWARD.

The past is in the past.

I can't run away from my past, but it's best to leave it where it belongs. Back then.

I float past memories, even trying to reach out for some. 

My brother in the ER after he broke his arm in a fight. 

My mother tucking me in for bed every night.

My father waiting for me at the bus stop after school. 

Me and my friends eating sitting in front of the fan to cool.

Being on a budget my whole life, with these rich privileged kids making jokes out of my life. I can't take it but I have to leave it where it's supposed to be. I can't take but that doesn't matter now that I can see. I'm no longer blurred by their anger. My tears are gone now that I've been given a favor. But no one that I haven't loved has ever helped me. Making me feel like my life in worth nothing. 

If no one cares, why should I?

I reach the end. I look into his eyes. I don't know him, but I wish I did. 

I wish I never met him.

Because there can only be one first impression on someone.

Shut them out and come back to earth. 

 I take a deep breath and open my eyes, realizing that tears are welling in them. I felt like I thought something, but I didn't. It felt impossible what I just did, feeling emotions while I was meditating like it was nothing.

I open the blinds and peer out, it's dark. I check the clock on my phone and realize that it's nearly midnight. It's dimly lit in my room, as the main lights are off and there's only a small lamp on the desk table. I have to decorate tomorrow, I think as I pull the string on the lamp to turn it off.

I lay down on the bed with my eyes open, staring at the smooth white ceiling, now dark grey from the darkness of the room.

I close my eyes and adjust my laying position until I'm the most comfortable. Then slowly but surely drift to sleep.