Not Allowed

IV

He's supposed to ask my dad if we could get married. We're supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. He can't be dead.
My family was speaking to me, but I couldn't hear them. I got up and ran to my room. I dove into my bed and looked at the ring and broke out into tears.
I don't know how long I cried for. I just sat there and was glad no one came to talk to me, I wouldn't've heard them anyways. When I saw sun rays peek through my window I bolted out of my room, down the stairs, through the house and out the door, ignoring the calls of my mom.
I run and run letting my feet take me to where they wanted to go, the cave, our cave. He's there waiting for me like he used to do before he joined the army. He's there waiting for me to finally get there and he's going to say "beat ya!" Then he's going to tell me my dad said yes and that we're getting married and that what happened last night was all a dream.
But he wasn't there and I cried harder. I sat down tucked my knees into my chest  and continued to sob. I heard footsteps approaching. I looked up and saw Ash standing at the mouth of the cave. "He's gone! The war killed him!" I cried and went back to sobbing in my knees."
Ash sat next to me and wrapped his arms around me and said, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
I turned in his arms and put my face on his chest and sobbed into his shirt. If he cared he didn't say so, he just wrapped his arms tightly around me as if I was glass and I was going to brake if he let go, which felt true.
He never said "it's ok" or "it'll be alright", which I liked because it was not okay and it won't be alright for a long time.

When I got home that evening, tears still rolling down my cheeks, my eyes red and puffy, my mom hugged me. "I'm sorry this happened before you two were officially engaged. Your dad wants to talk to you."
I nodded my head and walked into the living room. My dad sat in his chair and I sat on my spot on the couch, which was next to his chair.
"I want to tell you his last words," he started. I nodded my head and he continued. "As he laid there he told me to tell you that he doesn't want you to waste your life grieving over him. He wants you to find someone else and have a great, happy life. His final words were and I quote "tell her I'll love her forever". Before we went out into battle yesterday he asked for your hand in marriage and I said yes. I thought you'd like to know."
I stood up and hugged my dad. "Thank you dad it means a lot." With that I walked up to my bedroom,sat on my bed and took my ring off and rolled it around it my fingers. "Spencer you'll always be in my heart," I whispered. "I'll fulfill your wishes, but I can't stop grieving just yet."
                                                                               ...

   The day of Spencer's funeral, three days later, I finally got a good look at myself. My ginger hair was still full of life, but was a tangled mess due to lack of interest. My once bright blue eyes had lost their light and had dark circles around them from lack of sleep. You could see my ribs much clearer, I've been neglecting to eat more then few bites a day.
My mom decided she was going to give me a makeover so that I didn't look like a corpse. I put on the dress I wore to the big graduation party the school puts on two nights before graduation. Spencer loved this dress, it was one of his favorite outfits on me so I wore it today for him.
It's black on the bottom and a moon silver color on top with specks of black scattered across it that looked like birds. It has a belt that was black with jewels decorating it. The dress came down to my knees in the front and to the middle of my calves in the back.
My mom tied the straps in the back as she finished. She smiled at me in the mirror and patted my shoulder and whispered, "be strong." She left me looking at myself.
She made my face look normal again and put black eyeshadow and eyeliner on my eyelids making my eyes stand out, but my eyes themselves still had no light.
I'd been asked to speak. I said yes because no one knew Spencer like I did and I wanted them to know that.
At the graveyard people sat in chairs that'd been set up and Spencer's coffin laid closed on the machine they use to lower coffins into the ground (I don't know what the name of it is). A Spero flag laid on top of the coffin. The sun was shining and birds were chirping happily. I wanted to tell them to shut up. They have no right being happy while we're lowering my love into the ground. It should be raining, I thought as  I sat in the front row between my mom and Rio.
"Spencer David Porter was a great soldier," my dad began. "Always did what he was told and went above and beyond the expectations. He was a kind, caring, intelligent,  strong, and brave young man. He died saving a fellow soldier. His comrade had been shot in the foot and couldn't walk. Spencer then ran to him and carried him back to the base, but the enemy shot him ending his life. He will be remembered. Now I'd like to invite my daughter, Ryan Amelia Vines, to come up and say a few words."
I stood and walked behind the coffin and took a deep breath. "Spencer is my first love. We dated four years and it would've been five in seven days. He had his flaws, but he was perfect the way he was. I'll never forget the first time we met. We were four and it was wintertime.  I was walking along the edge of the woods at the park when he fell from a tree right in front of me. He looked up at me and said 'squirrels are very mean'. " I gave a little giggle at the memory, others laughed too. "His face was full of scratches and I asked 'why are you disturbing the squirrels?'and he replies with 'my brother said that I had to steal their acorns if I wanted to survive winter'." People laughed at this and Spencer's brother Wesley stood up and took a bow. "I then told him that my brothers had tried something like that on me and it turned out that they were messing with me so I told him that was his brother was more than likely doing to him. He then got up and said, 'oh. Dang it!'He then stuck out his hand saying, 'my name is Spencer! Wanna be friends?'' I said yes and shook his hand and we've been inseparable since.
"As the years went by we got closer and closer until finally one day he asked me to be his girlfriend and of course I said yes. We were so happy together, nothing came between us. We could handle each others' flaws and know what to do when they were upset." Tears began running down my face at that point and I sniffled. "He'd always know what to say, no matter what the situation. His spirit is with us, it's our hearts, and I know he'll forever be in mine. I hope that he'll forever be in yours."
With that I took the blue rose that's been in my hands and put it on his casket. They were his favorite, blue roses (yes they're a thing they're rare and can be found in any place where regular roses grow). He said they were his favorite because they reminded him of my eyes.
I walked back to my seat and laid my head on my brother's shoulder and began to silently cry. He just sat there patting my head. I stayed like that until the end when all of his friends and family were to each take a scoop of dirt and throw it on his casket when it's been lowered into the ground.
I stood and walked up. I took and handful of dirt and looked into the hole, which was so deep I could just barely see the casket. I looked away and dropped the dirt. I watched as his family and friends dropped dirt onto the coffin.
A couple of soldiers took shovels and buried him in the dirt. Any other solder there stood and saluted.
Once they had finished my dad finished the funeral off with, "Rest in peace Spencer David Jackson. Beloved son, friend, and fiancé."
Everyone bowed their heads in respect and most of the people left. People trickled away until his family, my family, and I were left.
"Honey we're going to go. Do you want come with us?" My mom asked gently.
     I shook my head and continued staring at the fresh dirt and his tombstone. They walked away and eventually so did his family. I just continued staring until finally I had enough and I ran. I ran as fast I could, not home, but to the cave.
I didn't stop even when my shoes flew off, I just kept going until I got there. I stopped in the entrance and Ash looked up.
"Come here," he said and motioned to the spot to his left.
I sat down and put my head in his shoulder. "His funeral was today," I sniffled.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"The sun and the birds are mocking me. They're happy and he's dead. They have no right," I mumbled.
"If I could tell them to be sad would you feel better?" He asked with a sly smile.
"Maybe. I don't think anything could make me feel better today."
"Maybe the sun's shining and the birds are singing in honor of him."
"If that's the case then I guess they can carry on."
Ash chuckled and I gave a little smile.
"Yes! You're smiling! Mission accomplished! You look so much better with a smile," Ash exclaimed and began laughing.
I gave a little giggle.
"See to start feeling better you have to let yourself get better. Don't force yourself to be depressed and make the world around you depressed. One of his last wishes for you was to move on and not grieve over him too long. Correct?" I nodded. "See you can't fulfill his wishes if you stay down in the dumps. Come back to light it's so much better. Promise me you'll try and get better."
"But it's going to take time. I can't just be all happy when all this just happened," I protested.
"I know it's going to take time. I never said it was going to be quick and easy. Yes it'll take a while, and I'm going to be there the whole time helping you. Just promise okay?"
"Okay. I promise."