★彡{𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬}彡★

serene nostalgia

matt:

im having mixed feelings. i dont know if i still love katey or not. on one hand i dont wanna get chris all mad or jealous. but on the other, what's stopping me from loving someone. i only have one life, i'm not gonna waste it looking back on what i've done. or what someone else has done. so what if chris gets mad? we can talk it. so what if katey rejects me? i'll move on. or will i? what even broke us up in the first place? i only remember good things from her. and i broke up with her...for what? 

i remember riding my bike with her in the summer, walking to school with her in the fall, sitting home during winter, sledding, eating sweets and drinking hot chocolate. i remember stopping to talk to her at her locker, between classes, before lacrosse practice and stopping by at her cheer practice. i remember going to every high school football game with her when she wasn't cheering. i remember helping her out with studying and her homework. coming over and giving her soup when she was sick or helping her whenever she got hurt. i remember standing up for her if anyone talked shit.

and she reciprocated it all for me.

why did we break up? i still love her. she's my world. without her and my brothers, i don't know where i would be right now. even when i'm mad at her, i can't for too long. i talk to her about all my problems. she's the only person out of my family that i'm that comfortable with. in all my life, i've never met someone quite like her. she's gorgeous, she humble, nice, supportive, confident.

what the fuck did i do? i fumbled. i fucked up. i was immature.

i wish i had the guts to tell her that, but i'd never have enough confidence to tell her. what am i supposed to say? i suck at flirting. i suck at telling the truth. and im scared to admit that im wrong to her, she's been my friend and my ex all this time.

i look back at all this time i've wasted.

i wish i would've found myself sooner, i wish i would've told her sooner. i wish i met her later. when i knew better than to fuck around and think love means nothing. but at the end of the day, it's everything to me.

i love her. i fucking love that girl.

i just hope chris doesn't anymore.

chris

are you sure youre not just gaslighting yourself?
you couldn't have possibly moved on that fast
when you thought of her so much
you still think about her with you
dont you?
you wished she would've said yes
dont you?
at the end of the day
how are you so sure?

"good morning, chris." nick says, standing in my doorway with a coffee from dunkin donuts.

"you guys went to dunkin without me??" i say, a bit disappointed, then checking my phone to realize it's only 7 AM. "damn, it's early."

"yeah, i had a doctor's appointment." nick replies, scratching the back of his head. "..pretty early. anyways, you want a donut or something?"

i nod and get up out of bed, putting together a quick outfit, a raiders jersey, light blue washed jeans, nike socks, and a black backwards hat. i walk out of my room and down the stairs to the small kitchen, it's cozy and feels warm, the counter just about a foot away from the small island in the middle of the kitchen. overhead of the island is a warm lamp, almost reminiscent of an oil lamp, yet it's hooked up to electricity.

my voice is less groggy now that i have fully woken up, and my hair is neat, although concealed by the hat. i grab a donut from the box, set it on the napkin in front of me, after taking a bite.

"where's matt at?" i ask, through chewing the donut.

"living room." nick responds, taking a donut for himself and digging in as well.

___

"who's taking you to prom, katie?"

"matt." she said excitedly, grabbing her books and computer for the next class.

"woah, how'd you pull him?"

she shrugged and walked to her class. suddenly getting stopped by more people.

"woah katey, how'd you get matt to take you to prom?"

"how is that even possible?"

"he's way out of your league, girl."

leave me alone! she yelled, yet got drowned out by the overlapping calls and questions.

i walk through the crowd, people sticking their arms out at me and attempting to grab me, stop me, ask me.

but i get through and walk into the classroom. everyone turns their heads to look at me.

"youre late. matt wouldn't be."

"what do you mean?"

"youll never be as good."

"what do you mean?"

"youll never be as good!"

"what do you mean?"

"youll never be as good."

"ill never be as good."

"ill NEVER BE AS GOOD!"

isaiah?

"honey wake up, and grab some of your things, go to your friends house for a while. just dont come back home until i call you, okay sweetie?" my mom tells me frantically, closing isaiah's door.

behind it i can hear im yelling and crying loudly.

"mom what's going on?" i ask her, tilting my head slightly to get a better look at what she's holding.

"nothing darling, just get a move on, okay?" she says almost a bit pressuring, pushing me out the door.

i grab my coat, my phone, and a bag of stuff that i use at a sleepover, a pillow, blanket, teddy bear, and a bag of toiletries and a fresh fit for the next day.

i cautiously put on a pair of jordan 4's, and walk out the garage door, i get in my car, turn on the engine, plug in my phone. 

and drive.

 i don't go to my friend's house like my mom said, i just drive.

i drive past neighborhoods where kids are playing catch, kickball, and some kids are playing street hockey in the driveway. i drive past cities with an assortment of humble, vegan, couple-owned restaurants and big office buildings. the crosswalks are both pale and white and the stop signs clash with the brick and concrete buildings. the lights turn green at the intersection and i turn and drive until i hit a very rural area, surrounded by corn and farmland. until i reach the new england aquarium at the end of another pretty nice city area.

i get out of the car as i reach the water, there's a nice wooden bench at the boardwalk. it's pretty quiet, the breeze being the main noise, blowing through the green grass and short, yet healthy trees.

it's peaceful, something different than my everyday life, where im usually surrounded by a ton of people. now, i'm more deserted. i thought i would hate something like this, but it's just so peaceful. the water flowing from the wind, the grass, the leaves, the nature surrounding me. just taking in a deep breath of fresh air, and letting it out.

the cold, crisp fall air against my skin as i listen to the sounds of the leaves falling and stepping on one underneath my foot, hearing the nice crunch.

i put my headphones in and just listen.

and in that moment, i felt serenity.