Letters to God

Letter #1

Dear God,

I've always expressed myself through my written word better than my spoken. So I figured I'd write a few letters of my thoughts down for you to read.
I asked you if me and my wife were kingdom spouses, you sent me back a promise that we were. You gave me a list of things that will happen between then and next year. So far the house being sold has been done. But the heartbreak I'm feeling constantly as she continues to rip me apart is agonizing.
I have faith in your word lord. I know it does not return to you void. I also have seen you keep some of your promises to me already. My concern lord is why do I have to constantly feel this love? Can't I just let go until it's time? She finds multiple ways to hurt me all while I wait for your promise to be fulfilled.
I'm tired of the tears father, I'm tired of the constant prayers for her love, and I'm so tired of my children having zero compassion for any of my hurt.
She's off living her life with someone new and not having to feel this pain or thoughts of worthlessness and loneliness because she made sure she had someone else to occupy her thoughts while she completely disappeared on me in an instant.
How many excuses do I have to make for her actions towards me? She is grieving? She is in menopause? She is a dismissive avoidant and between all these im the only thing she can control and she wants to loose me than to face all her problems. I'm so tired of being the wind that stokes the fire she is using to burn her life apart.
She left me for someone else. Someone 20 years younger than her. She's left him 4 times in 5 months but he is still worth her time? Father when is her judgement going to wake her up? So far all I see is her blaming me for all her problems?
I'm living and breathing your word and she is living in sin yet why do I feel like I'm being punished while she is out doing everything she wants? I'm so tired of it all. When does it end? I've poured my heart out constantly only to be shot down yet I keep my heart open because your word says to forgive and don't let bitterness take hold but the joy is being ate away at little by little. I'm finding it harder and harder to see any joy left in this world.
Father god I'm tired of fighting. I don't know why you deem it that I am strong enough to withstand this constant onslaught from the enemy but I could use your intervention now. I suppress the constant thoughts and am constantly laying them at your feet but by this time I've built a castle from all the thoughts. Your perfect timing is slowly eating away at me.

Me