Letters to God

Letter #4

Hey,

I'll be alright. I thought I couldn't live without you, but I'm actually thriving. I thought I couldn't support myself but I'm actually making great choices financially. I didn't ever want anything when we were together and I was always afraid to spend money before but now if I see it and want it I buy it. Thing is, I don't want much so I just spend it on the kids or save it.
I've come to realize that you spent all the money. But when I wanted to spend my money it was always a problem. So I stopped spending, thank you for teaching me that.
I've also come to realize that you didn't show affection even though I asked you multiple times to show me you care. That's a problem you have.
Last time we spoke I started thinking about some of the things you said to me. Turns out, you like to gaslight and manipulate. Thankfully I was able to think clearly through it all. Looking back I see you did this a lot when something didn't go your way. It's a trauma response that you have that you may want to get checked out.
I'm not saying I was perfect by any means, but thinking back over the years, I think you've cheated of me multiple times. It's whatever at this point, that's a cross you have to bear and that's something you need to speak to god about. But my head is clearing up and the fog in my mind is lifting and I can start to see the path forward.
I mainly just want to thank you for being who you were. I loved you completely and couldn't never understand why I allowed myself to cheat on you when I did. It was unthinkable to me, I couldn't understand why I did it at all. Why didn't I feel like you cared about me?
Recently, I realized that I never was important to you to begin with. I think your mother, your brothers, your nieces and nephews, all of them were/are important to you but I wasn't on the list. I mean let's be honest, you complained about how I mowed the yard and then when i wouldn't mow the yard you would complain that I never mowed the yard. Make that make sense to me. You didn't like how I did anything but complained when I did do something because I didn't do it your way? Who cares, it got done right? If you want it done a certain way then you can do it yourself.
I'm happier, sadly. I do miss you daily but I am happier living my life as I am now. I have found god through all of this. I have started to find myself again. I'm even getting closer to my kids. I don't have to worry about sharing something on Facebook and you coming to me saying it upset you, I don't have to have a spat of anxiety when the phone rings wondering if you are going to be upset about something. The last few years have been nothing but a fight for survival. But I stayed because I love you.
I think I will always love you but I've come to realize I can do great without you. Yes I miss our conversations, yes I miss being with you daily, yes I miss your touch, but I can live without it. I don't have to have you in my life. I can do just fine.
You chose the path you are on now. I wonder if you seriously think this guy that's 20 years younger than you is really going to stick with you? You can't give him children? You're only going to get older and older and at some point you're going to be 50 or 60 while he is in his prime and I can guarantee he isn't going to want you. But by then, you'll be alone. No kids, no husband, no family, no boyfriend.
Your family is horrible. Your children are almost grown and are going to realize that you did some messed up stuff and used it all to blame me for my shortcomings. They are already complaining about how none of your family helped you move. How insane is that, considering you dropped everything if one of them needed your help.
You also allowed them to talk badly about me, you allowed influence into our marriage from multiple sources. It's sad but I think you were trying to find any reason whatever to be able to cheat without worry. Let's be honest, when I was looking into your Facebook friends you got mad and used that as an excuse as to why you wanted to break up, yet you was talking to one of your Facebook friends from work the entire time. Shift the blame due to your own lack of accountability.
You two won't last long. At which point you will have to regret everything you've done. When that day comes and you decide you want to talk to me again, make sure you come prepared to admit all your faults and everything you've done to hurt our marriage. I'm not saying I'll take you back either. At this point, I'm saying I'm over it. Good luck out there.

Me