Chain Me

Down Time

     The General calls to tell me to check my fax, but even as I grab the file I tell him Lost can't do it. She's been sleeping for about fifteen hours now and I don't see her waking up anytime soon. The General accepts this, after I tell him about the Siren and the drunken state Lost was in, and says he'll get Cas on it instead. I grimace at the thought of making Cas's work load that much larger, but she did say she wanted to help Lost will all this, and taking on a Facility job is definitely helping.
     After almost a full day, I hear Lost pad out of her room and into the hall, a giant yawn filling the otherwise quiet apartment. The first thing she does is use the bathroom, which takes about as long as I expected seeing as she's been out for so long. Then she comes into the living room to smile sleepily at me, her eyes closed. She aims for the kitchen.
     "How are you feeling?" I ask as she takes out endless snacks to eat. I'm certain she's about to empty this house and I'm going to have to head to the grocery store immediately.
     "Sirens always make me so tired," she says, taking out deli meats and cheeses from the fridge. The bread comes next and she pops slices into the toaster. "I don't know why."
     I watch, more impressed than disgusted, as she eats her donuts along with one of my yogurts and a pickle that I think was supposed to go in the sandwich she plans to make. "Deanna said she'd contact us when they've got a plan."
     The now toast springs up from the toaster and Lost takes them to slather them with mayonnaise. "We'll find her, Isa. She's weakened and won't be in hiding for long. She's around here somewhere, sneaking, watching." An obnoxious amount of turkey goes on a slice of bread, along with a few ham slices and bologna. "She obviously wants me to suffer for living, seeing as she showed up at Hakeem's game." Lettuce and cheese is next, then pickles and tomato. "I'll get her next time if she appears unwarranted."
     "You said you wouldn't."
     "Am I supposed to let her flee?" she asks, mouth half full with sandwich. "We should tell Josh and his pack, by the way. Now that we have a name and all that, we can tell them to keep an eye out."
     I sigh. "That's acting without a plan, Lost."
     She frowns, her cheeks blown with food, and leans on the kitchen counter. "Are we to stay here until told otherwise, then?"
     "Well, no, but... Okay. We can inform Josh."
     Lost smiles, and I roll my eyes. She goes on eating anything she can get her hands on and I text the number Josh gave me. It's just a short message with Isa's name and a brief description from what I remember of her, though he probably saw her, too. I don't expect a response so I shove my phone in my pocket and try to get something to eat before I'm not able to anymore. Lost hands me one of her donuts, a truly kind act if you ask me, and I nibble on it.
     "I'm sorry I'm devouring everything," Lost says, opening a bag of chips. "I'm just so hungry."
     "It's fine," I assure her. "Eat all you want."
     She bobs her head and continues on. I let her, wildly curious as to how much food it will take for her to be full. I've never seen her with a full stomach. Can she even get full? Does she know what it's like to be full?
     "Can you stay behind?" she asks suddenly, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
     "What?"
     "When all of it happens, with Isa, can you stay behind?" she clarifies. "You will be hurt with magic if you come. I don't want that." It's said so calmly.
     I rub my fingers together free of sugary powdery and lick my lips clean. "What if I want to fight with you?"
     "You're human," she says, jaw tight. She's stopped eating.
     "Yeah, I am, and I'm still alive. I can help."
     She scowls, but I don't think she's mad at me. "You're human," she says again, bitterly.
     "So?"
     "You're prone to injury."
     "And you're not?"
     "I can take a beating. I will take a beating, if it's to protect you. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of you confronting Isa with me."
     I watch Lost as she turns her face away from me. "You want me to hide, like a coward?"
     "Remaining safe is not cowardice."
     "So I'm supposed to worry about you? You're going to keep me bottled up to wait by the door to see if you come back? If you come back?"
     Her jaw ticks and her eyes flick to me. "I see the flaw in what I want."
     I cross my arms over my chest. "There's nothing wrong with wanting me safe. I want you safe, too. But you can't expect me to sit back and do nothing. This is my job, our job. I'd rather us do it together than apart, no matter how dangerous." I inhale and wait, letting my words sink in. After a long minute, Lost looks at me head on, but she says nothing. She only stares. There's no scowl on her face now. I can't get a read on her.
     Eventually, she walks to me with determination, and I step back, unsure. But she doesn't do anything harmful. She grabs me and pulls me to her chest, hugging me tight with a hand on the back of my head and on my lower back.
     "Lost?" I stutter. I don't know why but the sudden urge to cry is making me tremble, and I wrap my arms around Lost, holding onto the back of her shirt tightly.
     "I cannot look at you right now," she says, her voice both hard and soft. It sounds like she's trying hard to keep it together. "I'm trying to figure out why. I'm sorry. You make my chest ache."
     "W-what?" I try to pull away but she holds fast to me, keeping sure to press my head into her neck, my gaze far away from hers.
     "I've never felt anything like this and it's confusing," she mumbles into my hair. "I want to run, maybe, or hide. I want to scream- no, weep. But that's not right. You feel it, too, I know, it was how I knew I had it in me."
     The thumping in my chest makes my whole body pulse. I've been fiddling with the idea- the thing Lost is so confused about- but only in secret and for never too long. It's big to admit, even to myself, and I always shoved it aside.
     "Does it hurt you, too?" she asks, so softly.
     I swallow hard and stop trying to get out of her grip. The tiny sigh that passes me makes her shiver. "It doesn't feel nice? Not at all?" I know it's nice for me. But if she's never felt it before, doesn't even know its name, then I can only hope that her negative reaction to it is because its unknown.
     She hesitates and makes a strange noise deep in her throat. Her hands on me grow slack, then firm again. But she lets me go in a rush and takes at least a dozen swift steps away. Still, she doesn't face me. "It feels... overwhelming," she says after a moment. "It's so peculiar..." She groans and does a frustrated spin, her hands clenched at her sides. "I want to hurl things and display my powerful rage. But I want to be gentle, too, with you. It feels nice, I admit, but it's so new and unusual that it feels bad as well. When I want to caress and take care of you I feel the skittishness of the unknown and I'm afraid I'll hurt you."
     I'm not sure what to say to all that, not at all. "You wouldn't hurt me."
     She shakes her head, her hair falling around her face. "Not on purpose, no. But I... I want to press you so roughly with myself that I fear I'll harm you without meaning to."
     "It's not bad, the way you feel," I say, heat rising in my cheeks. Knowing she's just as clumsy about all this as me is comforting. "I feel that way. The pressing, or whatever."
     At this, Lost finally brings her eyes to me. "I know it. Tell me," she pleads, stepping close to me. She grabs my hand and kisses the knuckles before placing it over her heart. She clutches desperately. "Tell me what this is. I need a name, at least, to conquer it."
     My cheeks grow even hotter. I can't- I mean- I've never said that to a lover of mine and meant it. But this time I know I mean it. That's all the scarier.
     "Do you, uh- jeez..." I feel tongue tied and stupid. "Have you... It's like... How many movies have you seen?"
     Lost's mouth twists and she tilts her head. "Not many. Why?"
     "How about books? Romance novels?"
     "I wasn't allowed such luxuries. Are they important? Should I seek them out?"
     Wow, okay. I thought maybe I could slide through this using analogies and examples from movies or books. I'm not that lucky. I gently take my hand from her grasp and tuck my hair behind my ears, and exhale, both in frustration and, well, I'm so damned nervous.
     "This is hard..." I chuckle awkwardly.
     Lost's face falls and she leans in close to comfort me. "Tell me how I can make it easier."
     "It's not... I'm not... This isn't hard, I guess. It's more like, you see... Mostly, people are afraid of saying it, even thinking it, out of fear of being rejected. Though since you feel the same way I shouldn't even be scared but..."
     "You can tell me anything," Lost tells me. She tucks a finger under my chin and lifts, waiting until I look her in the eye. "Don't be afraid."
     Face dangerously hot, I bite my lip. Lost's face is so understanding, so open. "I like you, a lot." I gulp. "You could say, I, uh, love...you..." The last words are barely said, and even I strain to hear them.
     Lost, by all accounts completely unfazed, drops back, and frowns. It's not the reaction I expected, though I'm not sure what I expected anyway. I didn't think Lost would jump in joy and pick me up and swing me around. But frown? That fear of being rejected suddenly doesn't seem like only a fear anymore.
     "That's what this is?" Lost balks. "Love?"
     "I'd think you'd know considering what you are..."
     Lost's frown deepens. "I knew my original moniker as you did. I've never felt love or loved or a Lover. This is new to me."
     "I know, I'm sorry." I can't help but be slightly bitter at her less than enthusiastic reaction to my shy declaration.
     "This is it, though- love?"
     I nod.
     She looks down in thought and grunts. "How unnerving..." she mumbles. Then she raises her eye to me. "It's startling, isn't it? Or it that only my opinion? It makes me shiver, it makes me want to make you shiver. It's like when you come across a creature so adorable you want to squish it. I want to squish you, perhaps, but that would be harmful." All of this is said in such a factual tone that I want to laugh. But I don't, simply because it's so true.
     "How would you feel?" she says. "If I said to you? I want to know, how it comes off."
     My lips quirk in excitement and I bite back a giggle. It's not that exciting, I guess, but it's real. Lost feels it as much as I do and she wants to tell me freely.
     "Say it," I whisper.
     She puckers her lips then cocks her head. "I love you." The words are short and clipped, and it sounds more like a confused question. Her nose wrinkles, too, as if the sentence smells foul. Then, unexpectedly, she's directly in my space, her mouth so close to mine, her hands on my lower back. She's cradling me carefully and lovingly, tilting me back just enough that I have to hold onto her shoulders, even though I know she won't drop me.
     "I love you," she says again. Her hot breath swipes over my lips and she tilts her head, her nose just hitting mine. My hands clench on her shoulders. "I love you," she moans, sliding a hand up my back. She sucks in a breath through her teeth and presses me to her, fitting my curves with hers. "I. Love. You."
     Oh, my God! My heart is thumping against my ribs abnormally. The way Lost says it now... It's heartfelt and earnest and honest and true and- and- and lustful. Suddenly I want her to press me against her roughly, the way she wants, harmful or not.
     "I... love you, too," I eventually choke out.
     Lost's eyes glow like I've never seen before. It's soft like in the mornings, and- no way!- white. Clouds seem to pass over her irises and pupils, transforming them strangely. I can still see the outline of her irises and it's not scary or creepy as I thought it might be. There's just... light, so pure. She falters in her holding of me and I drop a foot before she catches me again.
     "I feel funny," she wobbles out, her arms shaking from my weight. She drops to a knee and takes me with her. I reach behind me to touch the floor with a steady hand and angle my feet so I don't bow and break. Lost shakes her head and her eyes return to their normal dark hue, but she sets me on my back on the floor, still trembling from whatever she's experiencing right now.
     I lift myself onto my elbows and stare at her in wonder, wanting to know just what happened. She wipes her face and kneels beside my body to sit on her heels.
     "Did you feel that?" she asks softly, hand over her mouth in shock.
     I felt something, but I don't think it was what she felt. "No, I don't think so."
     "It's like when we first met," she says, blinking slowly. "A reboot of sorts, or an overhaul. Everything shifted for a second. It was real."
     "What was real?"
     She gazes into my eyes, then crawls on top of me, straddling my waist. "You, this, us. The connection grew stronger. It is stronger now, I'm sure." She leans down and presses her palms to the floor at the sides of my head. "I hear the blood pumping under your skin. You smell better, I think. I don't fear you the way I used to. Is that okay?"
     "You... feared me?"
     "Yes, in a sense. But now it's not there. At least, not the primal fear of a dog under its master." She slides down my body, placing her crotch over mine, and her face gets closer. "I want to be at your side, as equals do. I'm not afraid to be there. Something's telling me I don't have to bow anymore..."
     I gulp. My hands are grasped and pulled above my head, held there firmly. "You never had to bow," I say, a little breathlessly.
     She puts my wrists together and holds them with one hand. The other moves to my face to trace a tender finger down my cheek. "I did. I was yours, but I also wasn't. Now- now I'm yours in all respects. Perhaps you are mine, too, if I'm so bold."
     I find myself bobbing my head, entranced by what's happening. Lost's eyes aren't glowing with lust but still this is exciting. She's exploring, testing. It's something I've always wanted for her. Finally she's realized she's most definitely my equal and she can do what she likes when she wants it. She's seeing herself as more. It's the big step I've been waiting for.
     "I'm yours," I whisper, growing a little damp between the thighs. "I'm yours if you want me." I didn't mean it sexually at all, but the body reacts sometimes.
     Lost's dark eyes trail over my face slowly. The amulet around her neck waves above my face like a pendulum, and she tips her head to the right, making it swing that much wilder. The tip of her tongue pokes out between her lips and darts across her mouth. "You're enjoying this," she muses, to herself, I think. "I can feel it, but I'm not reacting as I should..."
     I squirm as she fastens her grip on my wrists and rocks from side to side, moving her legs to be between mine. She rolls her hips when she's settled and watches my face closely. I imagine I'm bright red, flushed, and less than put together. But she doesn't mention any of these things, only watches.
     "I don't have to," she finally declares. Her hold on my wrists releases and she sits up to me on her knees. "I have a choice, I think. I can say no."
     Swallowing, I bring down my arousal the best I can. "Haven't you always been able to?"
     "I've been compelled to obey. Now I want to, but I don't have to, unless I feel necessary. Strange..."
     "Not at all." Piece by piece things start to fit into place. Lost's past, her actions, her inactions, what's been happening recently with us. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am. "You feed off my sanity, right? It's what keeps you, well, you."
     Lost's brow furrows, but she nods for me to go on, so I do.
     "Those other people... the ones that had you before, they liked you below, so to speak, didn't they? They wanted the power you held. What they gave you, the bits of sanity they wanted to, kept you... a prisoner, of sorts. You obeyed commands like a machine because that's what they gave you, what you fed on. But with me... I don't want that. You've been changing, slowly. You're feeding off of something different now. You're feeding off of what I have, what I'm giving you."
     Brow still furrowed, Lost stares. Then slowly, her brow evens out in understanding. I reach up to stroke her face lovingly.
     "I want you as my equal, Lost. I want you beside me. I want you to choose whether or not to make love to me and not do it only because I'm in the mood. I want you to be your own person. I want... you as you. You don't have to obey me or anyone else. Just be you. That's all I want."
     Lost's eyes glow that lovely, heavenly white again, and she aims those beauties straight at me. "I love you," she murmurs. Then, after a moment, louder and more passionate, "I love you!"
     She falls onto me, laughing heartily, and I embrace her, laughing myself. She kisses my cheeks, my brow, my nose, my lips. She can't seem to get enough of me, and I'm not complaining. I whisper how much I love her too and listen to her purr contentedly for me. It's wondrous, this moment, even on the hard floor.
     Lost covers me with love bites and I can almost see the hearts floating out of her. We roll around on the floor recklessly, having fun without worry, and, for the first time, we make love. It's sweet and caring and there's not a minute where Lost doesn't compliment me in some way. I moan for her and call her name, reveling in the way she gets so excited that it takes her a few tries to get my name out without moaning or whimpering in the middle of it.
     The whole time, her eyes remain that angel white.