my bummer diary

hidden intentions

I hate people because you can never truly know a person's intentions. that's the scariest concept ever, literally everyone in the world could be evil and you wouldn't know it. it frightens me that some people could be waiting for the moment where I slip up so that they can harm me (socially, physically, etc). for example, I don't think I could ever trust a man because most men will never let you know their intentions and I know that if a man would try to harm me in any way that I would be helpless. I'm physically weak, I have no arm strength and barely any strength in my legs. I'm always so aware of my surroundings because I know that if I slip up, I'll die. I'm not even exagerrating, my body would be of no help to me if something was to ever happen to me.

as a kid I was bullied a lot, not particularly because I was ugly. but because I was naive and had a lot of body hair. I couldn't control that, im fucking arab like.... 😐

anyway, because of the amount of bulling I faced as a kid when I went into 7th grade, I was a very angry kid who wanted to hurt people before they had a chance to hurt me.

I can officially confirm that this doesn't work, I did get hurt and ended up so depressed that I started SHing by 8th grade. On the upside I discovered some fire metal rock, screamo music during 8th grade so yippee!

fear is your biggest enemy and to fear somthing as small as getting hurt is dumb. life will hurt no matter what, you can always count on that. so it makes no sense to get all pissy everytime you get hurt. ( this is my favourite way to invalidate my feelings)

for some reason I always found the worst ways to deal with my feelings and honestly it's getting tiring. I'm so tired of having to think and feel things all the time and also having to decide how to deal with my feelings. This is currently my method of dealing with my feelings until I scavenge enough money to get a lobotomy.

it's currently 5:47 am and I'm still not tired enough to sleep.

bye