Hiraeth: Bonding (III)

Chapter Nine

I nearly fell out of my hammock, waking up in the dark covered in sweat and gripped with a migraine.

I cursed quietly to myself and held back tears as I realized my Sunburns were already coming back. Not bad yet, but what the darkness and rain had healed was starting to sting.

The house felt stuffy, so I quietly left to take a breath outside. I watched the rain fall for a moment before stepping into its embrace. Rainforest surrounding me, I pretended I was back home with my mother.

"Mom," I whispered.

I closed my eyes, imagined her voice. "Yes, my sweet boy?" she would say.

"I-I-I won't make it in the Volcanic Islands. That place will... w-will drain me m-m-m-more than anywhere we've been so far. B-But I-I'm going to live a-a-as long as it takes for Derek to make it."

"And for you to make it," a different voice interrupted.

July?

I whipped my head around and laughed weakly. "Phew, you sc-sc-sc-scared me!"

My silver-haired friend emerged from the sheltered back porch.

"W-What are you d-d-doing up?"

He shrugged. "You're not the only one with trouble sleeping."

We stood side-by side, silent and staring into the green and blue.

"Can I ask you something?" July whispered.

"Anything."

"You want to live now, right?"

The words dunked my body in ice.

I burst into tears.

That question had pulled back a curtain. I felt naked.

My friend didn't falter. "Why did you used to want to die?"

I was a blubbering mess, hands over my face. "I-I-I-I used to l-l-long for death, July. Beg t-t-the stars for it. I a-a-almost d-d-d-d-did it myself."

"Why."

I stumbled over my words and shuddered under the weight of these questions. I fell in the grass. July simply pulled me back up. He held my arms to keep me steady.

"I-I-I had been suffering..." I tried, "Hurting ever since the D-D-D-Day I was born. T-T-That's why."

"Alright. So what changed?"

For a moment, I hesitated to find the answer. My friend just kept staring at me. His grip tightened.

"I s-s-stopped suffering," I guessed, then elaborated. "Slowly, e-e-each Day got a l-little better. R-Roxie helped m-m-my heart feel better, t-then Vincent helped m-m-my body feel better, then I... I g-g-got better."

July's eyes were piercing. "So why are you giving up?"

"I-I-I'm not-"

"-I just heard you give up. Why?!"

"All the pain!" I gasped for breath. "I-I-It's back!"

The rain was heavier now, drowning out our voices.

"No. No, Mike!"

Now I was angry. "No?!"

"You want to live? So fucking live!"

My voice tried to come forward, but got lost.

"Fight for the life you want, Mike! Fight for it! Give it all you've got!"