My Other Half

Lantern in the Darkness

Natalia's pov
I stare at the wall aimlessly, trying not to think of anything. My head throbs with all the intrusive and negative thoughts bouncing around with free rein. I toss and turn through the night, desperately needing sleep but not able to reach the sweet release. Everything good feels like a mirage that will never materialize, I'm just chasing happy times like a wild goose hunt. The days pass with the only marking being the sound of footsteps. With my blackout curtains closed, I never know what time of day it is.

However, the footsteps always tell me. In the morning they drag, all except for one. Midday they shuffle, all heading towards the dining room or their next class. And at night... that's the worst. It's dead silent, nothing for me to focus on or anticipate for hours on end. I try to drown it all out with music, especially on the days where I cry - typically for no reason in particular. I just cry and cry waiting for an end that never seems to come. Other times, I feel nothing at all, I can't cry or laugh... it's all just grey. I'm either crying to the point of exhaustion or I lay awake with a blank face, disassociating to cope.

A knock on the door sounds through the room and I sigh deeply to myself, hoping whoever it is goes away and leaves me to my despair. "Sweetheart? I brought you some dinner" so it's dinner time... that's nice. I bet she cooked something tasty, still, I can't even fathom eating right now. Everything, even the menial every day tasks, seems overwhelming. Basic hygiene at this point is a struggle, let alone eating a proper meal - even though I didn't have to cook it. All this time I still haven't responded to Cordelia and I figured she'll just go away. "Can I come in and put it on the nightstand? I'll only be in for a minute."

I can't find the strength to respond to her, still hoping that she goes away. Yet a small part of me wishes she wouldn't, that she would come in and pull me out of this. I know it's no one's responsibility but my own to pull myself out this funk but it's nice to fantasize. It's actually crucial to fantasize, otherwise I'll become hopeless and I don't like myself when I'm like that. "I'm going to take your silence as an answer if you don't tell me not to...."

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out, I don't even know what to say. I suppose 'no' would do but... that part of me that wants her to come in begins to grow and I can't fight it. I hate for anyone to see me like this, vulnerable and helpless but... perhaps I'm not helpless. Maybe Cordelia could help me, she's always so sunny - even in the darkest of times. It reminds me of the times where she wasn't, how I had to help her out of it. That could be why I was drawn back here, she's the only one that can motivate me to get up.

I hear her slowly crack the door, the light from the hallway spilling in and making me turn further away from it. I feel like some sort of vampire, afraid of the sunlight or any light at all really. I can tell she leaves it open but only a bit so the whole room isn't flooded in light. I guess she'll need that bit of illumination so she doesn't trip over the various items scattered across my bedroom floor. I hear the plate being set down on the nightstand and then the bed dips, creaking slightly under her weight on the edge.

I turn my head to stare at the ceiling, my eyes unfortunately having adjusted to the light now. I wish I could just curl up in the corner and go into some sort of hibernation, give myself time to figure my life out. Unfortunately, that's not how life works no matter how much I wish it did. I watch her carefully as she raises her hand, resting her palm on the side of my face before gently stroking my forehead with her thumb. I meet her eyes only for a few seconds but I can see the understanding in her eyes instantly.

"I love you, Natalia. You have so many people who love you, I just want you to know that." I listen to her words as I stare at her hand in her lap, wanting desperately to believe what she tells me. It doesn't feel like I'm loved right now, despite the logical part of my brain knowing I am. I've seen Billie's calls, I just can't bring myself to hear her voice. I know I would cry if I heard her again, I've been watching her show when I crave her and it always makes me cry. Seeing her beautiful face, hearing her soft and raspy voice... it all brings back the memories.