WARHAVEN II

Twelve

Davina

My body feels like stagnant water or at least it has since everything changed. I am drowning, dying so thoroughly. I can never tell if my soul has moved on to a hellscape, or if this world is truly just hell itself.

Although, maybe hell would be sweet compared to this. Compared to being terrorized and harassed by the horrors I experienced the weeks leading up to his death.

Hearing his heart wrenching apology replay in my mind when the memories resurface...it is bone chilling. It comes and rips away all valid feelings because he didn't even know. I tell myself he had no idea; that he didn't mean it. But he still did it to me. My husband still hurt me horribly. 

He hurt me physically, himself. He forced me into bed, controlling my every action and making a war of our marital bed. He stripped me of all the love and bliss, of any innocence I had left. Of any belief that there were good, safe people in this world.

He humiliated me in front of the Alpha and his guest. He forced me to expose myself in front of them. The lack of control that I had over myself was paralyzing. My tears mixed with the rain as I sobbed, violating myself. And then, he slipped into my head and made me like it. The memory brings bile to my throat.

The worst violation of all, was giving me to the Alpha. That wrecked me fully. The things he made me do...I will never be the same. I will never forget the feeling of his hair clad body rubbing against mine. Never forget his growls and snarls as he destroyed my soul. The sound of fabric shredding is imprinted on my mind. The feeling of him inside of me...there has never been anything less welcome and more revolting. And then I was forced to spend the next twenty-four hours locked in that wretched room with the vile beast. My nightmares stuck in a loop, destroying me finally.

I have experienced the unfathomable horrors men can place upon a woman, but nothing compares to the one you trust violating you so horribly, in every single aspect of your being. Emotionally, mentally, physically, psychologically...so wholly wrecking you.

He altered my soul with his actions and it turns out it wasn't even his choice. To watch him become as ruined as me, just to be slaughtered moments later, before my very eyes, it is horrible. It is all that plays through my mind uncontrollably. Recklessly.

The blade, quick as light, slicing his tender throat in half. Seeing him choke and bleed out in front of me. The stillness of everyone in the room as he audibly choked and gagged, blood rushing up his mouth and nose.

I shake off the memory, the trauma too much for me to bear. Too fresh for me to take out of its cage.

When I remember how Augustus died, it reminds me of Una. And she reminds me of how close we were to bringing my son back. I feel intense guilt for being relieved when she denied bringing him back because what if I just let it happen? What if he was here? What if I prevented him from living? And it all circles back to the horrible guilt I feel for erasing him in the first place.

What an utter failure of a mother. What an abundant disappointment.

I don't know how long I have been this way, but I am to the point where I am so lost in the darkness that the sun doesn't exist.

Sometimes, although rarely, I think about Roman. It is usually when I am at my lowest, cutting myself. The guilt takes over and I go to stop, but the physical pain does a thorough job of overshadowing my unbearable emotions.

In moments like that, I often think he would be better off without me as I am no mate the way I am now, this broken shell that I have become. The pain came in and snuffed out my light, leaving a hollow shell. And I have cracked so much, I'm nearly rubble. It has turned me into this horribly scarred, weak and wounded...thing.

Sometimes I allow my mind to wander to our night together, but it brings me more sorrow seeing how utterly perfect we were together. I felt whole for the first time in my life. I was safe and loved and somehow...somehow I knew in that moment that he loved me. He didn't even need to voice it.

I have realized that I am the piece of us that is snapped in two and no longer fits. I am sure by now, my pity party has washed away any real chance we could've had at happiness. That is, if he would even have me anymore after my involuntary rejection. I was too weak to fight Augustus' command, I couldn't even hold onto myself for my own mate. I am not strong enough to fight for myself.

How could I ever be worthy of fighting for him?