Inventing Wonders

Chapter 19: And What Shall I Tell Them

Lara couldn't sleep. She sat by the window, staring vacantly at a single point while gnawing on her thumbnail. Beside her lay a string of pearl beads, annoyingly present. It was easy to hate the engineer when those damn pearls were lying in her bag, but when the engineer was lying in the next room, controlling her emotions was infinitely more difficult. She wanted to leave, to disappear until the unbearably beloved engineer vanished from her life. Lara pursed her lips. The nagging urge to burst into his bedroom, press her body against his, and never let go was smoldering inside her.

A quiet, confident knock. Lara jolted:

"Come in..." she prayed it was anyone but him, praying he had enough mercy not to come.

"I need to explain myself, Larisa..." Nikolai closed the door and stood straight against the wall.

"Why?" she whispered wearily.

"I was unfair to you... There are no words to explain what came over me that evening..."

"It was your childhood emotional trauma, your bad character..." Lara replied. "All my woes stem from your sense of entitlement and impunity," she swung her legs over the edge of the window seat. "You weren't thinking about me when you came here. You were thinking about yourself."

"I will beg your forgiveness for eternity!" he exclaimed hopelessly and took a step forward.

"I wouldn't even speak to anyone else in your position. I should have thrown you out into the storm, at least not let you into my bedroom... But perhaps it will ease my heart if I say this."

She straightened up and invited him to come closer. Nikolai Pavlovich didn't dare say anything more.

"I saw it from our first meeting," Lara began in a remarkably monotonous voice, "you will ruin me. I know how to love, to dissolve into someone, I have loved like that before. But I am not sixteen, not even nineteen. I want to forgive you for everything, to forget that you lied to me, that you insulted and humiliated me... But I can't. It will destroy me."

"Larisa! Lara..." he grabbed her hands. "Don't send me away!"

"I don't dare send you away, my dear engineer..." for a moment, her voice trembled, and a gentle look flashed in her eyes. "I ask for your mercy... Leave me... I change when I'm with you, and that cannot be anymore."

Lara's gaze was fixed on his eyes but seemed not to see Nikolai's face at all. She prayed that the engineer wouldn't dare pull her close, because if he did, she would forgive him everything. Lara knew too much about toxic relationships to naively believe in a happy ending.

"I want to hate you," Lara sighed and pulled away. "I truly want to. I want to yell at you, hit you, cause you the same pain, the same humiliation you caused me. But I am not as cruel as you. I love you. I don't dare to hurt you. If you have any respect left for me... No..." her brows knitted painfully, and she shook her head. "If you have any respect left for me after I gave myself to you. I beg you, Nikolai Pavlovich, I implore you, let me go."

"I understand. Please forgive me for the inconvenience I've caused. I will leave your house tomorrow," he replied coldly, as usual impassively, as if he hadn't ridden half a day for her, as if he hadn't been going mad, breaking down at every turn.

The door creaked quietly, and the room plunged back into silence. Lara's eyes widened as if she had experienced an incredible shock. Her whole body trembled. She silently burst into tears.

***

"Good morning, everyone!" the countess cheerfully descended to the first floor. "Is everything ready? We have a grand day ahead! Such esteemed guests haven't visited here in a long time!"