Inventing Wonders

Chapter 33: Here I Will Die

A strange prisoner had settled into one of the cells in the Peter and Paul Fortress. She had settled, for there was no fear in her demeanor that clouded the judgment of many rebels, nor was there any tension in her manners. The commandant felt as if her door wasn't locked at all and that the sweet young lady could leave at any moment. Shuffling his wooden leg, Sukin would frequently glance into her cell, fearing that his indulgence might turn into voyeurism.

Larisa Konstantinovna would sit for hours on the table by the window, as if she were looking for something in the courtyard. She could have sat anywhere, but for some reason, she preferred the table. It was strange behavior, about which she was once asked. The countess shrugged and philosophically stated, "Bedbugs."

In the early days, the strange prisoner was mocked. Her presence sparked a million witty and rather vulgar jokes. On the first day, like all the other arrested, she surrendered her outer dress. She was left in something akin to a shift. She listened attentively to the jeers, sighed, and clarified the situation:

"I am the only female prisoner here, and if something happens to me, it will surely be noticed. Thank you for your concern, but there's no need to trouble yourselves; I don't need a maid, and please don't touch me."

Larisa Konstantinovna almost didn't eat or drink; it was as if she were in a deep sleep, always looking into the distance. She accepted her fate with humility and dignity and simply awaited the end.

"Why, my daughter? Refusing to eat?" a priest entered the room slowly. "Are you planning to die?"

Lara smiled sadly and shook her head.

"There's no sinful intent in my behavior, Father; it's rather practical..."

Indeed, it was practical: Lara didn't like relieving herself in a chamber pot.

"If that's so..."

The old man pondered; he knew what to talk about with the other prisoners but could barely comprehend how she ended up here. If he hadn't been asked to find out why the girl stopped eating, he would hardly have dared to visit her himself.

"You know," Lara suddenly began, "I'm glad you came to see me. I've been here for over a month, and it's hard for me without faith... I want to go to church."

"Faith doesn't depend on a place or a mentor," the old man started.

"Faith needs to be nourished by something, and I'm all alone here..." she suddenly changed her expression: "You probably don't recognize me? I asked for your advice last summer, about marriage... I was afraid of the wedding. You told me then: nothing that shouldn't happen will happen..."

The old man looked at this suddenly animated face, pale with precise features, yet belonging to someone so young, so naive.

"So you're here because of a husband?" the clergyman was almost pleased by this turn, disliking the idea that this lady was here by her own choice.

She smiled, and tears welled up in her eyes. Lara shook her head:

"My fiancé left me... I'm not complaining!" the girl seemed frightened by her own tears. "But everyone has abandoned me... So I'm left all alone. Here, alone and without the right to speak out..."

"Do you regret your actions? Do you want to confess?"

"No... I didn't want to then, and I don't want to now. I haven't earned forgiveness... I don't want God's forgiveness; I'm guilty before one person...," she reflected.

"How so?" the priest was surprised. "Don't you want to repent? To rebel against the anointed one is a sin!"

"I didn't rebel," she shrugged. "Tell me whatever you want, but I'll repeat: I'm terribly guilty of not revealing the rebels' plans, but I didn't participate in the rebellion... He doesn't want to forgive me. I've been sitting here alone for more than a month, and they haven't given me any paper, haven't asked me any questions..."