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𝑂𝑛𝑖𝑘𝑎
"I know something," my mother spoke softly as she stirred up some soup in her big pot. My eyes widened a little and I pretended not to hear, occupying myself with my phone.
"Huh?"
"Huh? You heard me, Onika. I know something, but I want you to come out and say it right now." She turned to me, placing her hands on her hips and watching me closely. When she realized I was just scrolling through my settings she snatched my phone and grabbed my face like a child.
"Mommy–" I whined, but she cut me off immediately.
"Don't start that mess, tell me. I'm your mother." She mugged me. I can't help but pout. I felt like I was in trouble, both for getting pregnant and hiding it. I've been hiding it for two weeks but I'm technically a month now.
I guess it doesn't make sense to hide it from my mother. I tell her damn near everything and I don't even think she'd be mad at me or anything, probably a little disappointed, maybe even shocked. I won't even doubt if she'd be happy, she always wanted grandkids.
But still, I felt this guilt bubbling up under my skin. Tears brew in my eyes and the moment one fell another followed and suddenly I was crying in her arms.
She comforts me, running her fingers through my hair and rubbing my back. My mom always gave the best hugs. They're so warm and inviting, the embrace felt like forgiveness even if you didn't do anything wrong.
"I-I'm terrified, mommy. I don't know what I'm doing anymore," I admit. "Everything's moving so fast and I can't keep up."
My fear wasn't due to being pregnant. I knew deep down that it would happen eventually. My fear lies within my own mind. The what-if's circulating and becoming so much more than they should be.
"What if I'm not a good mother? What if my baby doesn't like me? What if I mess up along the road? What I fail to bring the baby into the world? I'm so scared." As a woman who hates to fail, that was all I could think about. Failure.
I cried harder, my tears drenched her shirt and my entire body was falling numb. She hushed me, "relax, bug, everything is going to be just fine. You are going to be just fine. I believe in you, Beyoncé believes in you and I know you haven't mentioned it to anyone else, but when you do they'll be right there for you as well. You've got a village of people on your side, honey. And I guarantee you'll be a wonderful mother. You're my little girl, I would hope some of my habits rubbed off on you." She chuckled lightly, pulling back and cupping my face.
"I'll be right here with you every step of the way, do you understand me?"
My mother wipes my tears away like she did whenever I was overwhelmed at a young age. I know how to handle myself, but having her support really helps me feel grounded once again.
"I understand. Thank you so much. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"You've already done so much without me, bug. You just haven't realized it yet."
