Its You Or Nothing at all [Boy x Boy]

Ethan

(Ethan's pov)

How does it feel when you start seeing yourself as nothing but goddamn useless? How does it feel when you're fighting within yourself but you're still being called "lazy" by your own parents? How does it feel it when you can't meet the expectations of others and it only makes you want to give up? How does it feel when you starts questioning yourself that why do I even exist when I'm not capable of anything?

These were the questions running in my mind as I stared myself in the mirror looking like a half dead person which I was because my life was nothing but a roller coaster of failures. I've failed so many times that I've lost hope now. Its like I'm in a dark room which is locked and with no key and light at all. Its like I'm stuck in here and just can't get out and its suffocating me.

 I thought of becoming a doctor at the age of 19 and now I am 23... kinda sucks i know. But those 5 years were full of nothing but.. failures. I still remember how excited I was when i first entered the examination hall at the age of 19 to give the exam for becoming a doctor, but it all broke when i saw the rank i came at. I worked so hard only to end up at the last? Where did it all go wrong? All these 5 years i entered the examination with a hope only to end up at the last rank and being broken.

I was stuck again on that last rank just like that dark room which is locked with no key. I was tired. I was freaking tired of this failure over and over again. I gave my 100% but i still got failure in return. Was I not capable of becoming a doctor? Was I missing out of my hard work? On my preparation? 

I've seen people making progress. The students who sat in the same room with me to give the same exam I've been giving attempts for the past 5 years have all passed it and moved on for training. But here I am giving only attempts on attempts. I don't wanna live like this anymore. 

I live in an apartment owned by my parents. I am Australian but I live in America because there is much scope in here for doctors. I've only one friend named Ryle who always supports me in everything. He has always been there for me. He was there when i was breaking down due to all the failure I've been going through. But not anymore as Ryle called me yesterday night to meet up today at 11 at the cafe nearby. He informed me about going to Britain for his job as it was his dream, and to his luck he got an amazing offer from there so I kinda knew that I'm going to be left alone eventually. I've always been and now.. I'm used to it. But not gonna lie, I'm really gonna miss him.

Well It was 10:55 as I got ready in my casual clothes. The cafe where Ryle mentioned to meet was at 5 minutes walk. I walked out after locking the door behind.

******************

As soon as I entered the cafe as i was greeted by the soothing aroma of freshly brewed tea and coffee.. The cafe was cozy with the walls painted in violet. There were paintings on the walls giving the cafe a pure aesthetic look. 

I sat on the nearby table. There was a big window from where I could see the view of outside. It was sharp 11 as i sat there waiting for Ryle. Within a few minutes i saw him entering the cafe as i stood up when he walked towards me. I smiled and he smiled back as he hugged me tightly. 

"I missed you Eth"  

"I missed you more Ryle" 

He broke the hug after few minutes. He looked at me and sighed before speaking. "You cried again?"

I immediately froze at the question. I knew nothing could be hidden from Ryle, but I remember coming here before washing my damn face so that it wouldn't be too... obvious.

"Uh.. how did you know? 

He groaned before answering. "Jesus Eth you-" He sighed as he made me sit on the chair and then sat across me while holding my hands. He looked in my eyes deeply. "You may not tell me some things but Eth I've been with you for so many years. I know you cried, I know what you're going through" He sighed again "You know what Eth. I'm NOT leaving you alone here, while you're suffering mentally like this. I'm staying right here with you. Forget about the job in Britain. I'll manage here-"