Hidden Melodies

Epilogue - Ozzie

Copyright by Joelle Blue ©

Seven years later

My back pain has been on and off all day today. Thankfully I have an appointment, but I can barely get comfortable anywhere and I'm about to boot this baby out myself.

I'm three days past my due date and over it.

This will be Charlie and I's first baby, a little girl, and I can't describe how excited I am to meet her. I don't know what I did to deserve everything I've been given over the past seven years, but I'm holding on tight to everything.

Charlie moved in with me a little over a year after we started dating even though he practically lived with me anyway.

A year after that he proposed at a remote cabin in the mountains, surrounded by snow and tall trees, on a little getaway we took together.

A year after that, we were finally married in the same mountains, with only those closest to us in attendance. Dad walked me down the aisle, Scarlet stood by my side while Rikky stood by Charlie's. It was a perfect day.

We decided to start trying for a baby shortly after getting married because I had a gut feeling it would take a while. And I was right.

It took almost three years to get pregnant and I had all but given up.

I've lost hope. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I test even though in my gut I know I'm not pregnant, but I can't help it.

I have nothing better to do since I'm not working today, so why not break my own heart, eh?

I should be starting my period today, but instead of waiting to see if it starts, I take a test. I set a timer on my phone and panic for three solid minutes before succumbing to this unrelenting sadness, yet again.

I feel useless.

I feel like a failure as a woman.

I feel like a failure as a wife.

Charlie already left for work, kissing me on the head and face, making me giggle as his stubble tickled me.

I never test with him around, not wanting to see his disappointed face.

The timer goes off on my phone and I lift the wrapper off the test and see very clearly, the test is negative. I just nod and throw the test away. I climb back into bed, and stare at the wall.

I look through the window into the garden in our backyard. I can see my hydrangea bushes are starting to bloom. We moved into this house just before getting married, excited to make something our own, Excited to fill it.

Maybe we should just give up. We never have to time having sex since we always have it, but I've been off birth control for almost three years. My cycles are regular, we've both had testing. Nothing is wrong with either of us, so obviously it's something undetectable in me.

Charlie never says anything negative, but I know he wants children. What if I can't give him any? Will he stop loving me? No, he wouldn't do that. I know that, but I'm irrational and I don't want him to see me as I see myself.

As the failure that I am.

I get my for sure answer later the next day after another negative test in the morning when my period starts. I hate my periods just as much as the next girl, but my periods now make me feel anguished. I cry on the toilet now just because my period started. How pathetic.