Please, don't forget me-Leah williamson

Quiet

Leahs POV

,,And what were you doing in Jonas's office earlier?"
"He asked me questions and offered me some kind of therapy, which I accepted and in return I have a week off."
"A week of training without anyone to watch...sad."
She smiled.
"Do you know how I feel right now?"
She asks.
,,absolutely not"
"infinite."
It feels good to know that she's okay right now but I don't want to be the reason for that...
She should live for herself, not for me.
,,Thank you for your trust."
She just nodded.
I took her neck and kissed her.
I admit it's harder to take than I thought at first.
How will I ever be able to go?
Imagine we have an argument and I can't leave because I'm afraid she'll get bad again.
But that's exactly what she didn't wanted right?
She doesn't want me to think about it but it's harder said than done.
Our kisses became more intense by the second.
She kissed my neck and I needed air to breathe.
She laid me on our bed.
I went under her shirt but she immediately took my hands out again.
Why?
I thought we would trust each other now.
,,do you trust me?"
,,I do"
"Then trust me"
"Nah Leah I don't-"
"show me"
"What?"
"show me"
I pointed to her t-shirt.
She looked at me.
"Trust me"
I took her t-shirt and pushed it up just slightly.
They were blow scars.
They weren't big but hard to miss.
,,Who does something like that"
"My father...he was an alcoholic and beat us all. My mother couldn't leave him because she was financially unstable and wouldn't have been able to support us."
"And then she took her own life"
She nodded.
"Were you close with your brother?"
"Oh yeah I was. We were inseparable."
she smiled
"he was a good guy"
"But then why an overdose?"
"I never saw it from his point of view, when I was at his funeral I realized we went through the same thing...but we never talked about it. He often defended me from my father and then... he got it."
"What father wants children and then do that to them?"
She looked at me.
"He wasn't a bad person, the alcohol was just too much...and far to strong. He taught me football, that was the only thing that connected me to him, and it still does."
I ran my hand over her scars carefully.
"Does it hurt sometimes?"
She shook her head.
,,sometimes a little bit"
I looked at it one last time, swallowed and pulled her shirt down again.
I lay on her chest and hugged her with my one hand.
It takes a day. A day.
And next to you there is a completely different person who is so similar.
And I think it's beautiful.
I will prove her wrong.
She should live for herself.
"You're scared"
she whispered.
I shook my head.
I am.
My heart is completely broken, she doesn't deserve this.
Why her? Of all people? the nicest person in the world.
I'm scared because I don't know how to deal with it.
What can I say?
I'm speechless.
She said all the time she wanted to be a better person but why?
She's not a bad person?
It feels somehow unreal that my favorite person suffered so much.
This destroys something in my heart.
She always tried to be so strong for me.
Whenever I asked about her 'mother' she always hid it with such a genuine smile.
Her phone rang.
It was a message from Beth.
'you have no allergies'
'What's wrong?'
She stopped reading and turned it off again.
"Write her back, she's just worried"
"No, I can't...I have to be strong for her, she's not allowed to see. I have to be there for her when she's sad and I can't do that if she knows I'm sad myself."
"Haydn, it's not a bad thing to show feelings. You're not weak when you show it, on the contrary."
she breathed in.
"I'm telling Jonas I won't go there tomorrow"
I looked at her.
"No, you go there"
I said.
"But then I have to tell everything again and I don't feel like telling anyone."
"You told me too"
"You're not just anyone."
"Just be honest and say what you want. They will help you."
"Leah, they can't help. I am not a product, I have no deformity or disability."
"You have an abusive childhood, I can see things that could be worked through. They can help you with your panic attacks, with your thoughts and they will help you deal with your feelings."
"I can deal with my feelings."
"No, you're an emotional Titanic, as soon as the tiniest iceberg comes along you'll sink."
,,Lie"
"Really? well what about yesterday. I was just lying on my side of the bed and you had World War III in your head and couldn't sleep."
"You said we were friends, That's different."
"Well it wasn't a lie, was it?"
"I know, I just didn't want to hear it."
"Okay, another example. Our first kiss, you said all the sweet things to me. You held me and didn't stop kissing me and the next day you completely ghosted me."
"Yeah, okay, maybe, but that's not because of my childhood."
I looked at her and raised my eyebrows.
"When we were at that pond...where you threw me in, you said you didn't want a relationship because you didn't want to commit yourself. I asked you why and you replied with 'I don't know' well I know. You don't want to commit yourself because you're afraid you'll be abandoned. A pick up from your childhood. I can see connections there."