MADMAN'S DEMISE

21

Brandon Barlowe

One reason.

For one reason only, I agreed to this.

Beverly.

I owed her so much I would probably forever be in debt to her. Therefore agreeing to this shitstorm was the least I could do after everything she had done for me. I already knew it was all in vain. A lost cause. But she would have never realised if I declined my involvement in this, and the unwitting of how the case could or could not end would haunt her forever, and I could never allow her that torture.

Undoubtedly, going through this hell was fucking lurid. Having to face my father after nearly thirteen years of complete absence. It was harsh not to hover at him and break every little fragile bone in his face with my acuminated knuckles. But thankfully I was high on sedatives, and could manage to spare the damage and instead allow the trial to carry through the way it was supposed to.

Repeatedly I reminded myself I was doing this for her, to settle myself and remain representative as I sat there - dressed in a suit for the first time in forever - at the prosecution table next to the polite Roscoe Van Doren. It was worth a try. It was worth the pain. It was worth every brought-up memory and mentioning of the names of my mother and siblings.

For her.

Despite the tiny, minimal chance of this turning out the way she wanted - the way we wanted- a future with Beverly was something I couldn't put my mind off. She; the blonde, amber-eyed, slender creature, was everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever needed. She was the only one.

Beverly Ave Frazier.

My nurse. My treater. My lover.

My whole heart and soul.

There was nothing in this world for me without her, only darkness and hatred and disinclination. So as she spoke about the two of us, sharing a life on the very outside of the thick brick walls of the prison asylum, she brought me into euphoric haze, inebriated me in a way that no drug ever had.

The fantasies of the two of us together got me ardent, and so filled with desire I was aroused. The images of Beverly's naked body in a bed - a bed that was ours, where I could take care of her and touch her and kiss her and fuck her how hard and how much I wanted - how much she wanted - during the day and during the night - almost drove me as deep into insanity as before.

The imagination of her laughing in my arms in a place of brightness and joy rather than gloominess and misery. Her laughter soothing and contagious, spreading gleefulness like wildfire inside me.

The imagination of her lying on her back on soft, white sheets, smoking a cigarette before me in the warm daylight, letting the sun kiss the skin of her naked breasts. Her thin body like a butterfly, tender and delicate, and so emphatically beautiful.

The imagination of her blonde head leaning upon the edge of a bathtub. Her face flushed and lustrous by the steaming hot water embracing her nude body. Her eyes closed. Her lashes like blankets on her cherry cheekbones.

They never stopped occurring. The unrealistic but so legible illustrations inside of my head. She was everywhere. We were everywhere. Everywhere but inside that building of terror. Together.

For a moment she succeeded in persuading me, which led me to those overwhelmingly inconceivable thoughts. I should have never allowed them to occupy me. It all was nearly fucking unbearable, yet I knew it would only bring me into heavier frustration since those fantasies would never become real. Maybe for some other man. But never for me.

Somewhere inside I was aware all along, but I had promised her to give it a shot. Maybe it was my constant awareness that kept me from losing my mind as everything finally went down in front of our eyes in the courtroom. Leo Myer was the perfect man to wrap it up. His presence not too surprising nor dramatic. It was simple. He came here, contributed with what he should and even brought evidence with him. He did the right thing, nothing to blame him for. But he did also manage to ruin the last spark of hope regarding the delusional future of Beverly and me, which was just woeful. Indeed I felt hatred towards him, yet I was already so prepared inside that it just left me feeling empty.

One part of me was glad it was over since being forced to deal with this distressful unawareness no longer was an issue. All that was left now was to wrap it all up, wait for the verdict, get to know how my father would spend his final days before his destined end would arrive.

Not to forget the thing being hardest of them all. A matter of a painful decision I had made to myself as I finally agreed to get on this skewed ride. It would be the most difficult thing for me to talk to her, but I had to, because I had promised myself. Promised myself to finally set her free if the suit would turn out to be lost. Now it was, and although I couldn't live with myself knowing what I was about to do, I knew it was the right thing. Even if she wouldn't agree with it, even if she wouldn't understand, I knew it would be for her very own best. To be able to live a decent and regular life someday, without fear, without unlawfulness, and without constraint.

No matter how painful it was to me, I somehow finally came to accept that she was never truly a part of my future if this was the place I was destined to stay in. One day, no matter how much she refused to admit or realise, she would leave this place, with me still inside of it, and she would move on. It didn't matter if it was tomorrow or in ten years, I knew the day was yet to come, and I had to help her acknowledge that no matter how much I needed her. Because this was not about me anymore. This was all about setting her free, just like she set me free from all the demons that had been governing me for nearly a decade.