She promised herself that she wouldn't do it. She remembers talking to Dawn about it, telling her that this wouldn't lead her anywhere near recovery. For years she couldn't understand why someone would do that to themselves, but then everything started making sense.
"Come on it's just a few cuts, it won't hurt that much". She couldn't stop thinking about it. She couldn't take her mind away from it. Her heart was saying no but her brain was teaming up with the events of the following months, making that feeling hard to ignore. She knew she was stronger than her thoughts, but right now she just let them win.
She took the first sharpener she found in her makeup kit, removing the blade and running it through her arm skin.The first few cuts were not deep. They were red and they looked like cat scratches, unnoticeable and easier to get away with. The next few ones, were deeper and they were bleeding. She liked that feeling,it took away the mental pain.
The guilt didn't take long to hit her. She took a look at her arms, realizing what she just did. All she could think about was Dawn and her reaction if she ever found out. She thought that she'd probably be mad and disappointed in her.
On the other hand, Dawn was too sweet to do that. She probably would hug her and tell her that everything's going to be alright. She would even stay with her if she needed it. She had always been sweet, kind and sympathetic.
She didn't know what to say or do. She at first though of calling Dawn and telling her about what she just did,but then she didn't want to bug anyone with her problems. She just laid down on her bed, clinging to her pillow, crying quietly.
She hated feeling guilty and she hated having a teenager's mindset. The mindset of what another person would say or do if they found out about something that no one knew about,but she could learn to live with that. She could survive,she always did.
