And then i was here. Sitting in front of the massive fireplace in this massive house that barely felt as safe as a home should feel. The only really safe feeling in this house was carat: The now big and fluffy maine coon, Joshua brought for me as an anniversary gift. I sniffle lightly and pull her even closer to try and stop my crying. I had been crying ever since he left, but based on his turned off phone i would say that he wasn't exactly thinking of me. And he wasn't, because then he wouldn't have left me when I told him that I was pregnant.
Hours flew by, and eventually it started getting light outside and the birds started to sing. "You know what Carat? I think this is my sign to leave" I say, as I stroke the sweet kitten. And with those words i walk to the bedroom to start packing up all my things. Seeing all the different pictures made me wonder where I went wrong. Whether I missed signs from him about how our future was going to be - whether I was actually meant as a forever plan. A weak wimp left my lips as I saw the picture from my first backstage concert with Seventeen. All the nice things the others said about me and the way Joshua always spoke so highly of me around his team mates made everything even more confusing.
While I was deep in my thoughts a soft knock came from our bedroom door and there stood Joshua almost fifteen hours later, swaying, and smelling like strong liquor. "What are you doing?" He asked, barely able to get the words out. "I'm clearly leaving Joshua" I say as I zip up my bag. "You can't seriously be considering leaving right now, after the bomb you threw at me earlier, Sarah" He said, blocking for me to get past him. "Don't even worry about it, Ill get it removed and you'll never hear about it ever again." I continued as I pushed his arm away and walked at a fast pace past him, with him in my heels. "It has nothing to do with that, Just wait and listen the fuck up Sarah, jesus!" He yelled, hitting his hand into the wall. I froze, and spun around as I felt my heart slightly break from his desperate screams. But then he smiled, and my blood started boiling.
"You put on all of these fucking masks, Joshua, do you even remember who the real you is?" I ask, and the eye contact we held for a short while got cut as he looked down. "Honestly, i wish i could forget" He said under a breath. "Why on earth would you want to forget that?" I asked. "Because no one ever wanted the real me" He said as if he expected my question. "Are you completely stupid? Joshua we have known each other for almost our entire life, but only a year ago we started dating. I have known every version that has ever existed of the "Real you" and still, I decided that I wanted to be with you. live with you, and have a baby with you" I started, feeling my tears flowing freely from my eyes. I walk to him, who still has his head down, trying to lift it, but he refuses. Only when I can see his body shake from sobs do I realize that he is crying. "Hey, it's okay." It's okay to cry, it's okay to be weak sometimes. You don't have to act strong all the time" I say, searching for his face. "You say that, but Being weak has gotten me nothing but looked down upon" He says between sniffs. "You can be weak with me Joshua, i wont view you any different because of that" I say, as i try to grab his arms to indulge him in a hug that he happily takes. "I'm so sorry baby, I'm so sorry I ran. I got scared, and I started doubting that I could ever be any good as a father. But i would love to have this baby with you and do the absolute best i can to take care of both of you" He said, kissing my forehead softly.
