Screw myself and my life. I don't understand why the hell I said I'm not looking for a relationship but still want him.
It frustrates me to know he talks to other women, sleeps with them. I claim I'm not jealous, and it's true—I'm not jealous—but it angers me cause I fear he'll fall for someone else. From the start, I've never been what he truly desires. I'm just a great lay to him, never the woman he envisions saying, "I want this woman in my life, and I want her only for me." Unfortunately, that's not in the cards, so I keep quiet and let him stay in my life.
I've grown so attached to him that I can't bear the thought of him leaving. I live with the fear that he'll fall in love and leave me, and deep down, I know it's inevitable. He'll enter a relationship, and I won't be that woman. So, he'll remain a bittersweet memory of my twenties. It's going to hurt—a lot. It's almost laughable how this will all play out.
He tells me he cares deeply about me and would never intentionally hurt me, but deep down, we both know he will, because I'm not S or Z.
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4 a.m Thoughts
RandomLiterally that my thoughts at 4 am Some nights I'm... ... Hopeless Romantic ...Hater ...Lost ...Unhinged ... Mad ... But mostly I'm just me saying random things going on about my life
