I Wish- FEMALE READER X NATASHA ROMANOFF- MCU Black Widow

Chapter XXII

honestly i feel kinda bad for what i put y/n through but oh well :)

I didn't ask to be this way.

I didn't ask to be taken. I didn't ask to be the monster they made me. I didn't ask to be the villian in everyone's stories. 

I tried to be good, at first. I didn't want to be a machine when I killed. I allowed myself to feel sadness and grief. I would apologize to the person I was murdering, as if it was going to bring them any solace, before their death. 

But it was so hard. Treating the targets like humans made it that much harder to end their lives. As I grew to know more about them, it made me feel so evil when I killed them, because I wasn't just completing a mission. I was murdering someone who had a life, too. They had favorite colors. They had interests. They had secrets, and they had feelings. 

So I stopped. I didn't let myself feel anymore. I became numb. I embraced a role as Dreykov's puppet, for the sake of my own sanity. It was selfish, but it was relieving. I didn't think for myself. Some days, I would just wake up with no memory of anything I had done the day before. The only clues were my clothes, covered in blood. 

For years, I was repeating a cycle of stalking, capturing, and eventually murdering. Killing became something that was always a part of my life. When people saw my name in a file, the only thing that came after it was Black Widow assassin. That was my title, and that was all you ever needed to know about me. 

 The only thing that brought me any source of comfort was that Natalia was out there, somewhere.

I remember the first time I learned about her new life. I was coming back from a forgettable assassination in Great Britain. The man I was tasked with interrogating was a coward, and told me everything about the company his boss was running. I shot him after he confessed, and left quickly. 

While I was walking, I made sure to be aware of my surroundings, in case anyone was trying to follow me. I spotted a man reading a newspaper, so to seem less suspicious, I picked up one for myself. The front page was what caught my attention. 

"The newly-formed Avengers save New York from swarm of aliens" was what the title read. 

The picture was of 6 people, but only one caught my attention. 

It couldn't be her. But she was there, and I'd know those determined green eyes anywhere. 

The text below the photo named her as Black Widow, but it was Natalia Romanova, the love of my life.

At first, I was elated. Natalia had found a team of superheroes, and obviously, she was going to keep our promise and use them to take down the Red Room. 

I waited. I checked the newspaper every day, wherever I was. I wondered what was taking her so long. Surely it couldn't be that hard for a group of superhumans to find and demolish the Red Room, especially with S.H.I.E.L.D backing them up. 

As time went on, my hope faded, and my anger grew. Instead of Natalia's green eyes comforting me, they haunted me. They told me: "You are not worth it."

She promised. All those years ago, she told me we would say "I love you," to each other again. 

Was that fake? Did she get a taste of the real world, her free world, and realize that she didn't need me? Was I nothing to her?

When I got to the compound, and I found out about how she forgot me, I tried to supress my thoughts and my feelings. I wanted to be strong. I didn't want to feel. 

But now, after that argument, after I let myself remember, my thoughts run throughout my head, and I'm too drained to put up a wall to protect myself. Today, just once, I will let myself feel. 

i hate her i hate her so fucking much she ruined my life. i waited for her and i loved her and i hoped for her. i dreamed of her every single fucking night. when i woke up i wondered if maybe she dreamed of me too. those horrible green eyes and that awful red hair make me want to scream. i hate her because i loved her and she said she loved me and then she abandoned me. i hate that i have to wake up every day and i hate that shes still the first thought in my mind even after all shes done to me. i hate that i wonder how she is. i hate that i wonder if she still has those nightmares at night, the ones that made her cry so much she couldnt breathe. i hate that i wonder if when she has those nightmares, she wishes for someone to hold her like i used to do. i hate that i was a part of her life, and i hate that she was a part of mine. 

i hate that even after all this time, when i imagine her gone, i can't breathe. i hate that i yearn for her. i hate that i still fucking love her, so much it fucking hurts.

I can't breathe. I'm sobbing, hard now, on the bed. I love her, still, and it makes me want to claw my fucking eyes out. 

I haven't cried like this in a long time. My face is wet, with tears still steadily streaming down. Ugly cries come from my mouth, and I can't stop them, so I let them come. I curl up and hug my knees, letting myself weep until the only thing left is soft hiccups.

It feels good. I've been bottling up things for so, so long, and now it's finally out of me. 

I still feel devestated, but it's...better? Like even though I'm still the only one that knows everything about me, I let something off my shoulders. 

Instead of feeling the need to punch my feelings out, I feel content just laying here, breathing. I haven't let myself rest in a long, long, long, time, but it feels good. 

I don't think about anything, anymore. I just lay there, staring into nothing, listening to the comforting sounds of my inhales and exhales. 

And I feel okay.

ok it was kinda short but i rly liked this chapter. also the thing in the middle with the thoughts and shit was intentional. i liked how i wrote it, but i don't know if it made sense, so plz tell me if it did or if it didnt

im also of thinking of making a playlist for this book, so if you have any recommendations, put them here! :)

thats really it but ill probably write another chapter this week and publish it next week :)

i love all of you so so so so so much, thank you so much for the comments and the votes, it really means so much to me and it makes me so happy. 

have a good day or night, and stay safe. :)

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