Taylor Swift Comfort Imagines

Guess you really did it this time

TW: Eating disorder, depression

It started with a deep feeling of disappointment and dissatisfaction when I gazed at my reflection in the mirror. Then it morphed into deep rooted self-hatred. That's when the "diet" started. I cut out food groups until I was basically eating nothing. As I try to put together an outfit, nothing fits quite right anymore. My clothes barely touched my skin and I would need a belt for anything. I went with fleece-lined sweatpants and a fuzzy hoodie, since I was always cold. It was a different type of cold, I felt it to the bone, and it had no cure. I could be shivering under 5 blankets with the heater on. Just another day to get through; just another day where I feel like I'm hauling my dead body from class to class. I told myself that after track practice I would stand under the shower for 30 minutes with the water turned as hot as it went, trying to warm myself up. If I fainted, I would probably wake up in about 5 minutes. The plan was perfect: mom and dad are out of town, and Taylor is probably too busy to care about me. I don't blame her, she should focus on her work: something that makes her happy. I bring the mood down and I don't want to ruin anything for her since she's just started to feel happy again.

As I started to drive to school, I felt a wave of nausea combined with a deep pain in my stomach. I felt weak and shaky, but I managed to drive to school. I went from class to class, unable to focus on anything but the mandatory calculations of calories and pre-written excuses for not eating swirling through my mind. As I went to my next class, I saw black and white dots popping up in my vision as my head felt like it was caving in. I grab the edge of my desk for support until the feeling passes. C'mon, just 2 more classes. I will not faint at school. I could never live that down. 

The feeling passed and I walked down the hallway, head down, music on. I couldn't be bothered to walk with any of my friends; in fact I am pushing them away so no one can stop me. My air pods help: I make sure to tuck my hair behind my ears to say "don't talk to me, I'm listening to music". I put on an unfriendly face or stare at the floor so no one can pull me out of this. I know they're judging me, so when I dare lift my head, I glare at people to show them that they shouldn't judge me or try to talk to me. Camden by Gracie Abrams starts playing; I relate to that song so much. I don't think I'll even make it to graduation, so I definitely can't picture anything past 25. 

As I sit down in AP Literature, my last class of the day, I pull my hair back in front of my ears so my teacher doesn't tell me to take my air pods out. Clean by my sister starts playing: I will never be able to relate to that song. Taylor would be so disappointed: I can't even be clean from starving myself for one day. And I don't pay attention in school, I just listen to music during the classes that come easier to me to try to drown out the harsh and critical voices in my head. I look at my teacher, nodding and taking some notes so it seems like I'm a good student. I've always needed academic validation and wanted to be a good student. I loaded up on AP classes this year because I feel like I'm not enough. A bonus of taking so many difficult classes is lying to my family that I need to study somewhere quiet to get out of dinner. Thought after thought comes in, giving me more ideas for self-destruction. I don't even realize the bell has rung until I see empty seats around me, so I start gathering my things and heading to the track. 

I can't run as well as I used to, but I know I'll be faster when I lose more weight. It'll get easier if I just lose more weight. The people on the track team are so skinny, I have always envied them for that. As I run, I feel more and more lightheaded. Coach told us to run 4 miles in a nearby neighborhood, and we start off. I'm going strong at first, but when going up a hill I stumble but manage to regain balance. My ankle twists over the curb and I stumble into the street. My vision fades out as I see a car coming towards me, and then everything goes black.