Taylor Swift Comfort Imagines

I Just Can't (Part 2)

TW: panic attack, eating disorder: Writing from my current college experience. (Besides Taylor ofc) It's just that the stress is so much and Taylor is the only thing getting me through. Sometimes I think Taylor would hate me or at least not love or care about me for being parasocial, clowning, and sometimes being upset with her decisions and saying harsh things about said decisions in messages to friends. 

I wake up drenched in sweat, feeling like I have a fever as my face flushes hot. My watch flashes 3 am, so I obviously can't ask for help. I clutch my shirt as my heart thumps loudly and fiercely. I toss and turn, hoping for a side of my pillow to be cold; my face is hot as if I opened an oven. My stomach cramps, most likely because it is not used to food. In my head, this justifies my starving myself. I try to go get a glass of water, but as I stand up I have a rush of lightheadedness and it feels like the world is closing in on my head. Numbness and pain spreads through my limbs as I lie down again, this time on the hardwood floor, in an attempt to cool down. 

I try to breathe in for four seconds, but my breath is hitched in my throat, making it feel blocked off. My mind races a mile a minute: What if I wake Taylor up? What if she has something really important tomorrow and I take away from her sleep? What if she gets really mad like our mom? Sobs pulse through my body as I dry heave, trying to muffle the sound so I don't wake Taylor up, but also trying not to suffocate any more than I already was. 

I hear footsteps in the background, going downstairs. Phew. Maybe she didn't hear me. I hear her footsteps coming up the stairs again, my sobs growing louder as I felt so alone on the cold, hard floor. I never got the unconditional love of childhood, being held and comforted, no matter the time of day, no matter what I had done. I just got sent to my room or comforted in a logical way. I'm pretty sure Taylor is going to tell me to quiet down because she has rehearsals tomorrow. I don't dare to look up, because part of me is scared that I'll be meet with eyes full of disdain. That she'll blame me for feeling this way and make me feel worse. 

"Hey, I'm right here, sweetie. I got you some ice water," I hear Taylor's soft and calm voice from somewhere in my room. I feel her hand rubbing my back as she softly says soothing words. 

"I'm right here, it's ok. You're safe right now," She says. "Baby, can you breathe in for four seconds?" She asks, caressing my arms. When she realizes I can't get a full breath in, I expect her to get angry. Instead, she picks me up and puts me on her lap, holding me close to her as she just rocks me and rubs my back. I cry into the soft fabric of her sweatshirt, soaking her shoulder with tears. When my breathing gets steadier, she guides me through a breathing exercise, never showing the slightest bit of impatience when I couldn't breathe for the proper amount of time. 

"Here sweetie, this will help you cool down," Taylor says, pressing the ice water to my face. She had to force me to eat and now she has to calm me down at an absurd hour. An hour where everything is supposed to be quiet, where my mind is supposed to be quiet as I'm in a deep sleep. I haven't been able to have that peaceful sleep in a long time, thoughts echoing in my mind, telling me what most likely is the truth. I took away Taylor's time to sleep, and she needs it much more than me. I just bed rot all day. The guilt sitting on my chest amplifies as I ponder whether Taylor sees me as a disappointment for not being able to do as much as her. 

"I'm sorry for waking you up," I apologize, the guilt and fear of abandonment at the front of my mind. 

"Y/n, don't ever apologize for something like this," Taylor starts, pulling me even closer to her. "Everyone needs comfort sometimes and that's OK. I'm really glad I woke up, because it hurts me to imagine you fighting this alone. I am so proud of you for letting me help you. I want to help you through this. So, if that means staying with you for hours, waking up, or postponing something, that's what I'll do." Taylor continues, taking my hands into hers, rubbing her thumb across my knuckles.  I still refuse to look at her.

"Baby, please, can you look at me?" Her voice is so soft that it nearly brings me to tears. 

I hesitantly look up at her, finding nothing but love and care in her soft blue eyes. 

"I love you so much. I am here for you throughout all of this, and please come to me with anything. You matter and I will always make time for you, because if something is making you upset, it's not stupid. You don't need to face everything alone, I am always here for you, OK? Love you to the moon and Saturn," she says, her gentle voice soothing to my frayed nerves. 

"C'mere, I don't want you to be alone tonight," Taylor says, taking me to her room. She hands me my glass of water and I drink it, trying to pay attention to the cooling sensation. She pulls me close to her, wrapping her arms around me tightly. I drift off, wishing to capture the peace I felt when I actually could sleep, put it in a bottle, and open it whenever I needed it. 

This chapter is short and sweet <3