Taylor Swift Comfort Imagines

☆Mess it Up ☆

TW: anxiety/panic attacks

You're an actress for a movie Taylor's working on

As my alarm goes off for the day, I can feel the dread seeping in my veins. I'm still jittery from my whopping 2 hours of sleep. My stomach is in unfixable knots as my head throbs from crying myself to sleep the night before. Most people in my position would be elated: Taylor Swift hired me as an actress for a movie she's directing. Of course I was excited at first: but any excitement I have fades away until it's just anxiety and perfectionism. Taylor Swift is the last person I'd want to let down: I can't even handle letting strangers down. 

I pull myself together and focus on my skincare, each element of my routine a part of a project. The project is me: a blank canvas with nothing special or notable, meant to be morphed into whatever people need. I choose an outfit that suits my role, wanting to make a good first impression. 

No one would know that waking up every day is a daunting task for me. I thought my depression was bad before and I guess I jinxed myself. Getting myself out of bed is an obstacle course in itself: people with depression say they're in pain, but my physical pain radiates throughout my body, making me weak. I call an Uber, making the call that I can't drive in this state. 

When I arrive at the studio, I am greeted by my fellow actors, some special effects people, and the camera crew. A gorgeous blond woman with a welcoming smile walks in, introducing herself. "Hi y/n! I'm Taylor. It's so nice to have you here, welcome to the cast of the folklore movie!" she says. "Ok guys, let's go over some basics and my vision for this project," Taylor starts. I didn't mean to zone out, but the anxious part of my brain took over, and before I knew it, I was holding a script in my hands. 

...

"Ok, can we try that line again? I'd like to see more emotion, specifically on the last part please," Taylor says, with much more patience than I expected. This is our tenth take of one line. 

"when I.." I start. As the camera crew and Taylor look at me expecting a response, the words seem to be stuck even deeper in my throat. I can feel everyone's eyes burning through me; I don't want to be perceived right now. I wish the floor would swallow me like the Eras Tour stage. "I'm sorry," I choke out, partially as an apology and partially because of the pressure I felt to say anything. My throat that aches with sadness, swelling with unspoken thoughts I couldn't make sense of. My vision streaks in the corners of my eyes as hot tears stream down my face. My awareness of the confusion and shock from the people around me only amplified my shame. This is the worst time this could happen. I quickly remove myself from the situation; sometimes it's the only thing I can do. I find my way to the the table and chairs in the other room, allowing myself to break down, knowing I couldn't bother anyone here. 

"Alright guys, how about we all take a break," Taylor's voice cuts through the commotion of shock, calm and compassionate, yet demanding attention. 

I could hear footsteps over my sobs. This is where Taylor will tell me I'm getting fired.  "Sorry," I say again, my breathing catching in my parched throat. "It's ok. Are you ok?" she asks, handing my a cold water bottle. I don't want her to think that I'm not professional and I just flee the scene whenever I want. But, I also don't want her to think that I use my mental health struggles as an excuse. I've had other directors tell me that I'm "just making shit up" or that I need to "toughen up or get out of the industry". 

"I don't know," I say. 

"That's ok. Why don't you just take a little break for now. Just take some deep breaths and drink some water, ok?" Taylor says, reaching out for my hands. I let her take them as she gently squeezes them, rubbing her thumb over my knuckles. "What happened baby?" she asks.

"I didn't mean to freak out- I just um I don't know I got so nervous and the line left my brain and I'll practice more and I'll sleep better and I'm sorry for delaying everything," I say, gasping for my breath. 

"No worries. It happens to the best of us. Please don't worry about what is going on out there, everyone else is taking a break too. It's ok to need some time to calm down and clear your head," Taylor says softly. 

"No it's not. I'm letting everyone down and there's no way I'll be a functional adult," I say, trying to recoil further into myself. I don't even care about putting up a mask for my emotions anymore. 

"Hey, can you look at me please?" Taylor says, making intense but not intimidating eye contact with me. "You didn't let me or anyone else down. We all have hard days and that's ok. You are not damaged or going nowhere because of that," Taylor says, opening her arms for a hug. I gladly accept it, leaning into her embrace as she rubs my arms in a soothing manner.  "These projects can take a long time, so it's definitely not unheard of to have to do a scene over and over. Most of the time, it's because I have a specific vision in mind. I realize the strength that it takes to just be here today and I'm really glad you're here." She continues, and I relax from hearing her calm and gentle voice. She's being so kind and understanding- a stark contrast from other directors I've worked with. Maybe she'll find me annoying soon. Maybe not annoying, but possibly draining. She has so much to balance and I'd hate to throw her into a vertigo of responsibilities. 

"What are you thinking about? Are you ok?" She asks. Damn she's observant. 

"I'm sorry I know you're busy," I say.

"Don't apologize. You are not a task on a to-do list, you are an important person. I have time for you and I want to guide you through these things," Taylor says.

I take a swig of the water once my breathing is steadier. 

"Just let me know when you're ready to go back," she says, not rushing me at all.

I take a break for a few more minutes until I'm sure that I'm clear-headed enough to focus on acting. Taylor offers words of encouragement and congratulates me when we finish the scene. "Awesome work everyone! Great job, y/n, I love your facial expressions!" she exclaims, congratulating everyone. 

Maybe this work environment will be different.