Taylor Swift Comfort Imagines

What Do I do?

Taylor's sister

I know that people grow apart, especially when everyone is going to a different college. But this feels different. I've never been able to keep a stable friend group because of my mental health, or because I feel like they don't like me or want me around. This year, I wasn't the last choice, but there was someone that my friend group was leaving out. It led to drama at prom, and I sided with my friend who didn't like her, and I ended up feeling really guilty. But, I also know that pity invites and leading people on is bad. But I hate hurting people's feelings. I didn't want my best friend to get upset with me, so I took her side. In the end, I felt exactly like the people that have excluded me. I want to talk to Taylor, but I feel like she'd hate me for excluding someone. 

 This year is the first time I've felt wanted in 6 years. I have had unstable friendships since 7th grade. I've wounded the good and trusted the wicked, and sometimes people just drift apart. I try to do things for people so that they'll want to keep me around, like baking or acting more like them. When I'm upset, I just joke about it because I don't want to bring the mood down. I wish I could communicate my needs and feelings without feeling stupid. I don't know when to open up or when to keep my mouth shut for the sake of other people's happiness. I feel inadequate compared to my friends: they're all smarter, better, more productive people than me. I don't tell them too often that I feel inadequate compared to them, because that could make them feel guilty. 

When people are mad at each other, I try to listen to both sides of the story. Then I end up feeling fake and like I'm lying to two people. I feel like everything is falling apart and I'll always be the problem. I can't necessarily talk to my friends about this right now, so I decide to talk to Taylor. 

I walk into my sister's room. 

"I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do." I say, trying not to show the panic in my voice. 

"No need to apologize, y/n. What's up?" she asks, setting something aside and motioning for me to sit down. 

"I really messed up," I say, trying not to sound like I'm going to cry. 

"It's Ok, could you try to tell me what happened?" Taylor asks, calm and attentive as always.

My breath hitches in my throat with guilt, and my ribcage feels as if it's imploding on me. I should've dealt with this myself, since it's my fault. 

Taylor notices immediately, squeezing my hands. "You're ok. You're safe. Let's take some deep breaths before we talk about this. Can you breathe in for 4 seconds?" 

I nod, taking an unstable breath in.

"Now hold it for 4 seconds,"

I fail and let out the air quickly like a deflating balloon, nausea and adrenaline racing through my body. 

"It's alright. It doesn't have to be perfect, my love. Let's just try it again, ok?"

I try to hold the breath for a while, and I had marginally more control this time. 

"You're doing so well. Now breathe out for 4 seconds." 

I release my breath, it's strained, but it seems to be working. I go through the exercise a few more times until I'm ready to talk.

"I'm so proud of you; you did a great job with that." Taylor says, rubbing my back.

"Are you ok to talk about it now?" she asks.

I nod, explaining everything and how I felt fake and guilty. How I felt like a bad person. How I know that I cause problems. How I ruin everything. How she'd hate me for excluding someone. 

"First of all, you are not a bad person. It sounds like you had everyone's best interests at heart, and like you're easily influenced by the people you surround yourself with and who you feel care about you."

"I don't know. I think my avoiding anyone getting upset with me is selfish. I really regret what I did." I say, picking at my cuticles so I don't burst into tears.

 "I don't think you did anything too bad, but it's important to use your own judgement too. It's really hard and something that I had to work on too, but in the end you'll know that your opinions matter and that you can trust your judgement."

"I felt like there was no way out. I didn't feel like there was a way for me to not hurt anyone's feelings," I say, the tears falling down my face now. 

Taylor immediately notices and wraps her arms around me. "You are kind and mean well, there's no way to know what to do in every situation, so please be easy on yourself. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Please don't hesitate to talk to me or FaceTime me when you need advice for anything, ok? You care so much about other people and being a good person, and that is one of the many reasons I love you so much and am so grateful you're my sister." 

She always knows what to say, and she's calm no matter what it is that happened or I did. I feel like the opposite for breaking down when I have any little problem. 

I notice that what she set down was probably songwriting. 

"I'm sorry for interrupting your writing," I say.

"No worries, sweetie. You're my priority." She replies, hugging me tighter. It's almost like she's trying to hug the guilt and sadness out of me.

"And you really are a good person. You are so kind, caring, and funny. You brighten my days so much, and I'm certain your friends and anyone you meet in college will feel like that about you. You're going to do great things and no mistake defines you. I will always love you and be here to give you advice on anything." Taylor continues, kissing my forehead. 

I glance around her room, my eyes drawn to her instruments. I write a lot when I'm dealing with difficult emotions, and I have the perfect opportunity to try it out. 

"You want to write a song, y/n?" Taylor asks softly.

I nod. "Unless you're working on something right now." I replied. 

"It's OK! It was mostly done anyways, I just need to add some instrumentals. I can help you put your emotions into words if you want."

I go to the studio part of Taylor's room where she helps me put my emotions into words. I am eternally grateful for her.