Taylor Swift Comfort Imagines

Castles Crumbling

TW: eating disorder, OCD, perfectionism, suicidal ideation. This is based on something I experienced and what I wish someone said/did to me. You are loved, please remember that. 

When my OCD got worse, eating became a struggle. I don't know if it was because I was afraid something I ate would give someone an allergic reaction, I had to wash my hands 10 times before and after eating, or because I felt like I had made too many mistakes to eat. I had started working to save up for college, and I work at a restaurant like a lot of high schoolers. I didn't always understand customers, and I was scared of spreading covid or causing allergic reactions. Since I worked at a restaurant, I just lied to my parents that I ate there. My work environment is fast paced, so I make a lot of mistakes. These mistakes make me feel guilty, which makes me feel the need to starve. 

I stopped going to the cafeteria during lunch and started going to the library instead. That way, I could have extra time to study. At least that's what I said. To be completely honest, I felt like my friends are better off without me, and I could trigger my friend who had an eating disorder by eating nothing. On the weekends, I worked, and maybe hung out with friends, as long as it wasn't around a mealtime. I had recently seen my two best friends, one of whom was the one who had an eating disorder. I was hesitant, but couldn't hold it in anymore. Then I left before "dinner". As I was backing out of their driveway, I should've known something felt different. 

I didn't want to ask for help; they would institutionalize me. I was scared that I was going to be hospitalized. I didn't want my eating disorder to be taken away from me. In fact, it was the only thing keeping me from ending my life. One day, I decided to come back to the lunch table, but saw that other people had been invited to sit there. I sat down, turning to my best friends who gave abrupt and cold replies. I kept trying to make them laugh or make plans, but I was getting no where. I felt like something was missing; like I was tapping on an opaque window. It had been like this for a while, and I asked if they were ok and what I can do to help. 

One night, when I was at work, the realization settled in. I had been triggering my friend who had an ED by talking about it. I knew talking about it was risky, but I was so angry that no one noticed I was in pain. I just wanted someone to notice I was in pain, but not force me into treatment. When I texted about this, she confirmed that I had triggered her and it was hard to see me in so much pain. I gave her space and tried to communicate later, but she ended up telling me our relationship was unhealthy and dropped me in the middle of the hallway. I don't blame her, no one wants to be friends with a calorie-obsessed zombie. This all fell apart in a matter of two months.

When I got home, I saw that Taylor was home on a tour break. "Hi y/n! I missed you, how are you?" she asks, pulling me into a hug. 

"I'm good!" I say, regretting how weakly it came out. Taylor frowns, but seems to accept my answer. 

"I was thinking we can just chill and watch a movie tonight! We could order takeout and bake!" Taylor exclaims, excited. 

I nod, and she wraps an arm around me as we go to the living room.

Seeing how excited she is makes me want to hide what I'm thinking about even more. She doesn't deserve to come home from a demanding tour to her unfixable sister. I hate that I am the person who can't be fixed; the impending burden on my family and friends. My friends can leave at any time, but my family can't exactly do that. But, I wouldn't be surprised if they wanted to leave. I felt so guilty for causing her to go through the pain of her eating disorder again. I can't live with the guilt. I hurt my best friend. I have no one to help me through this. I'm a horrible person. What if I only want people in my life for attention and care? Why do I feel so empty when someone leaves? Why does any breakup, friendship or relationship, feel like dying?