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"How's your investigation going?" My friend, Nhia, asked.
I don't believe Tobey died because of illness. I know there is more than to it. He couldn't possibly die because of sickness, he was so healthy, so strong. I would never stop finding the truth about his death.
I will never live in peace without knowing the truth behind Tobey's death.
I sighed frustratedly. "Nothing. I couldn't find anythig, Nhia." I removed my reading glass. " Kahit isa, wala pa rin. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko."
Nhia and I are in my office. I was sitting on my swivel chair, nakaupo naman siya sa sofa na nasa harap ng table ko. My office is big, of course I'm an executive member. I am on one of the branches of our company here in New York, I was staying here for a while now for work. But even though I'm outside the country, the investigation's still going on.
It's been years since Tobey died and I hate myself because until now, wala pa rin akong evidence. Hindi ko pa rin alam ang katotohanan sa pagkamatay niya at iyon ang pinakakinaiinisan ko dahil hanggang ngayon wala pa rin akong matibay na ebidensya tungkol sa pagkamatay ng lalaking pinakamamahal ko.
She smiled sympathetically and stood up to walked near me. She stopped beside my chair and hugged me.
"Don't stress yourself too much, Alice dear. Tobey wouldn't want to see you like that."
After all the odds I've been through, at least I still have her.
" Thank you so much, Nhia, for staying with me all this time."
I looked up to her, with gratefulness in my eyes. I couldn't be more thankful to her. She was there in literally every ups and downs of my life. Especially when Tobey died, her shoulder was the only thing I know I could lean on to.
A lone tear escaped her eyes. I laughed with that, iyakin kasi. Mabilis naman niya iyong pinunas.
"Ano ba! Kainis ka naman, e! Dapat nagsasaya tayo dito sa New York pero nagre-reminisce ka ng sad memories!"
"Bakit sinabi ko bang umiyak ka?" I looked away to wipe the tears. My smile was still there.
Natawa naman kaming dalawa nang makita ang bakas ng luha.
She was right, though. We should actually enjoy our stay here in New York while we're still here.
"Maybe one of these days we could go clubbing? What do you think?" Suhestiyon niya.
My laugher slowly faded because of certain reason. I bit my bottom lip when Nhia saw my changed of emotion.
" I'm sorry, you know I can't." I couldn't look at my friend anymore.
She sighed with sadness. "Wala ka pa bang balak bumalik sa Pilipinas?" Maingat niyang tanong.
Kung kanina kaya ko pang ngumiti, ngayon hindi na. Ewan ko ba pero sa tuwing sumasagi sa isip ko sila nagbabago na lang ang mood ko. It's not like I miss them, it's definitely not because of that.
I know I don't miss them. Sigurado ako ro'n. But then what is this feeling? That I always felt everytime I'd thought of them?
Nang may maalala ay tumingin ulit ako kay Nhia.
" Next week is Tobey's death anniversary."
She looked shocked, it might have slipped her mind, too. We were so focused on work, anyway. She immediately look for the calendar.
" Hala, oo nga, 'no! So, ano? Uuwi na tayo?" She asked excitedly.
Natawa ko sa reaksyon niya. I know how much she misses her family. And her everynight clubbing in the Philippines. Hindi siya makapag-club dito dahil inuuna namin ang work. Pinapayagan ko naman siya, pero siya ang may ayaw. Kaya di ko na pinilit.
" I guess so." I shrugged. Dahan-dahan kong sinilip ang itsura niya. "Te, di bagay sayo mag-pout. Please, itigil mo yan." I said teasingly.
Kinuha niya iyong folder na nasa mesa ko at hinampas sa'kin. I couldn't hold back my laughter anymore.
" Naku, Aliese, ha! Oo, maganda ka, pero cute naman ako!"
Kailangan ko naman talagang umuwi dahil death anniversary na ni Tobey. Hindi ko kayang hindi siya dalawin.
"Yes, we're going home. For Tobey." I smiled.
She smiled, too, but with a little bit of sadness.
"Only for Tobey?"
I closed my eyes tightly. Please, don't go there. I don't wanna talk about anything else. Especially about that.
"I'm sorry, Aliese. Magbo-book na lang muna ako ng flight natin pauwi. Bye, mauna na ko!"
I just nodded. She kissed my cheeks before going out of the room. Nakasunod lang ang tingin ko sa kanya hanggang sa mawala siya sa paningin ko.
Pagkaalis ni Nhia ay isinubsob ko agad ang mukha sa table. Argh! I don't know with myself, really. Pumunta ako dito not only for work, but for my peace of mind. Gusto ko ng tahimik na buhay for christ sake! Hindi naman sila nawala sa isip ko!
Hindi ko nga alam kung may karapatan pa ba ko. Kung welcome pa kaya ako sa bahay. Baka isang tapak ko pa lang pinalayas na ko ni Caleb. Hay naku, Alice! Too much for peace of mind. Four fucking years iyon! Tingin mo napaka-special mo at iwe-welcome ka pa ng lalaki na iyon pag-uwi? Huwag ka nang umasa!
Well, kaya nga may wildest dreams.
Malalim na napabuntong hininga ko sa iniisip. Dapat kasi talaga tinatapalan ang bibig ng babaeng iyon, e! Edi sana hindi ko ito iniisip ngayon! Pagminamalas ka nga naman, oh. Ang dami ko nang iniisip napadako pa ang tingin ko sa nakatalikod na picture frame.
Titingnan o hindi?
Before I could choose, I have already hold the picture frame. Shit! Nang makita ang picture ay mabilis ko ring tinaob.
Stop torturing me, okay? I admit it, I miss my twins. Ever since I left they never leave my mind, I never stopped thinking about them.
Because I love them. Wherever I am.
All throughout the flight, I couldn't stop thinking about them. Paano kung hindi na nila ako kilala? Kung ayaw na nila sa'kin? Sabagay, deserve ko naman iyon. I left them, by the way. I smiled bitterly. Pero ano bang karapatan ko? Simula nong mamatay si Tobey, Tobey na lang palagi ang bukang bibig ko. Hanggang ngayon, kahit wala na siya, siya pa rin ang top priority ko.
Kaysa mag-isip ng kung ano-ano, natulog na lang ako. I need to sleep kaya ilang gabi na rin akong hindi nakakatulog nang mahimbing dahil sa trabaho at sa imbestigasyon.
I'll sleep for now, I'll worry about things later.
Naghihikab pa ko nang makababa kami ni Nhia sa airplane. Pagkarating sa labas ng airport ay agad naman kaming tinulungan sa mga bagahe ng dalawang kasambahay at isang driver. I assigned one for Nhia too para hindi siya masyadong mahirapan sa mga bagahe niya. Nagpaalam muna kami sa isa't isa bago umalis.
"Take a rest first before visiting me, okay?" I smiled.
"Sure, Alice! Take a rest, too! Bye! Love you!"
" Love you!"
She hugged me and I hugged her back.
Pumasok na'ko sa loob ng range rover. I couldn't shake the nervousness in me kahit ano'ng gawin ko. So, I took a deep breath again, and again.
I'm home. I smiled nervously.
I'm home, right?
