Without Her

Her body gave out.

"As I feel myself slipping away, I ask that you take care of my baby....let her know that I love her...."

The doctors tried to save her but they couldn't. The only answers they could give us were that her body gave out.

I only know what she called her baby because of her diary and she named her "Mika". For the entire time, before Mika was born, she kept a diary. Other than wantin' to know what her baby's name was, I didn't really wanna open it. I knew Mika would ask questions, about who her mom was, and I didn't know how I'd answer those questions. I suppose what made it harder is seeing how much Mika looks like her and I wonder how things could have gone is her mom survived. Up until the day Mika was born, we talked a lot about how she'd be and how happy she was and, now, it's just memory that seemed to have happened yesterday.

Of all the ones, she mostly left Mika to me and I wished she knew that I needed her, too. We both needed her. Hell, we all needed her. Nothing about her dying ever came up in our convos. No, that was supposed to be a convo for a later time. Actually, I don't think that was supposed to be a conversation at all but it damn sure wasn't supposed to happen like this, in these circumstances. No, she was supposed to have her baby and be the best mother she could ever be but, instead of that happening, her body gave out. As she was dying, she asked that we take care of her baby.

As time went on, Mako told me, at some point, I'd have to open her diary, to learn more about what why Sis died or what she knew. For some kind of closure. "It's not for your sake." she told me, "It's for hers, Mika's." The thing is that I'm not like Sis or Mako; I can't find the words to say or even know which stories to tell about Sis the most. It took a while for me to stop crying when I talked; much less think 'bout her but I knew Mika had a right to know her mother.

If I could have chose, I'd rather the both of 'em be here or I would have traded places with Sis in the "grand cosmic scheme of things" (as she'd put it), so she could be here, but life didn't work out like that. No, Sis passed away after bringing her baby into the world and she loved Mika more than anything. I can't replace your mom, Mi, but I can show you how much she loved you.

It's been about five years since then. Mika looks so much like Sis that it hurts. I wondered, for a bit, how Sis was as a kid and, now, I can see that. I just wish Sis were here so she could see her, too. It hurts more, because I have two girls to take care of—Both Mika and Aiko. Sis would have loved to see Aiko, too. When I look at them both, I think about how things were supposed to go but they didn't. Sis and me were supposed to sitting here, watching our kids play like we would have if we grew up together.

If she's not playing with Aiko, Mika spends a lot of time looking at pictures of Sis. "Who's she, Auntie?" she asked me and I wasn't really sure how to answer that. Somehow, I found the words and told her that the lady she looks at is her mom. She was confused and asked why Sis wasn't here. I didn't know how to answer that either, especially, without crying, so I told her, "She loved you more than anything and that's why she's not here. I'll tell ya' more when you're older, Mii."