I couldn't look at her. No, I just couldn't especially, considering the resemblance. Know how much she resembles the one I lost made things more excruciating.
I wish I could have convinced her to abort. If I knew she wanted children, then I'd have been her surrogate. Anything, if anything, so she'd still be alive. The idea of her being a mother was unusual, actually, it seemed so out of the left field. It was by surprise that she confided her pregnancy to me but what further rubs salt in my wounds in the fact that she didn't tell me first. Then again, if she did, I'd have probably tried to convince her to abort. She knew me well enough.
Because her pregnancy was her choice and motherhood was something she decided that she wanted, I opted on being supportive. One thing I could count on is that, when she's dead set on something, she'll do it. Throughout her pregnancy, she shared with me her musings, her ideas for names, hinted at the fact that she was having a daughter, and how she'd be as a mother. "I'm very much looking forward to meeting this new being....." I remember her saying. I remember her being so radiant, so happy about the idea. Retroactively, my memories feel like a punishment.
I remember being in the waiting room. No, I couldn't accompany her in the delivery room and, so, Matoi went with her. It seemed like time stopped when Matoi came out with the crying baby and announced that she had passed away. "Her body gave out." Matoi said, trying to hold back whatever tears she had. I couldn't believe it. Her body gave out?! No! No, it was unbelievable. She was healthy, did everything right, and, yet, her body just gave out. There was no rhyme or reason to that. None.
I remembered her funeral. Before that, I suppose, maybe by coincidence, the song "Ain't No Sunshine" was playing on a radio and it was raining. Matoi was cradling the baby, struggling not to break down even more, during the proceedings. She managed to keep it together even as she gave her eulogy. "Sis," she said, "we love you. This wasn't supposed to happen. You were supposed to be the best mom you could ever be and you would have been the best mom you could be. You loved us all and you loved your baby more than anything. We loved you, too, Sis, and we needed you, too. We'll take care of your baby for you."
After that, there hasn't been any sunshine. No, that sunshine was gone when Matoi announced that her body gave out and it was further cemented when we had her funeral. The one I loved so dearly was gone. Usually, it's said that daughters steal their mother's beauty but, not this one, no she took her mother's life.
Since then, I mostly stayed away. All I know about her, other than the resemblance to her mother being so strong, is that she's named "Mika". It's simple name, one that means "new moon". According to Matoi, that name was listed in her diary. She kept a diary. What other secrets should I know about? What else didn't she tell me?! According to Matoi, she couldn't bring herself to open it, outside of finding out Mika's name. From what I could tell, Matoi loved her niece immediately, while the others tend to come around to visit, babysit, or what have it. Once, Underachiever told me about how social Mika is and suggested that I come see her. I shot that down and got told, "Mika lost someone, too, you plumb fool."
I had to start wondering if she knew she wouldn't survive bringing her daughter into the world but, on the same hand, I don't think I'd want to know. If Mika wasn't born, then the one I loved so dearly wouldn't be gone. If I had been her surrogate, then she'd still be here, being the best mother she could've ever have been. I knew she loved Mika enough that she'd opt to bring her into the world anyways, damn the consequences, however, in my grief and spiral, I blamed Mika's existence. I know she wouldn't have wanted that, no, I can feel her disapproval.
Everyone else in our circle had embraced her daughter but I couldn't bring myself to.
And no amount of wine will ever drown out the sound of her voice. I can't tell if I want to forget or if I just want to chase the memories of her. All I can say is that she haunts me. In the next life, I know her heart must be broken.
YOU ARE READING
Without Her
Fanfiction"As I feel myself slipping away, I ask that you take care of my baby....let her know that I love her...."