Without Her

Missing someone you don't know.

My name is "Mika" and I live with my auntie and my cousin. My auntie's name is "Ryuuko" and my cousin's name is "Aiko". I am older than Aiko. I don't have a mom, though I did have one, but that was a long time ago, as Auntie says. She would talk about Mom but she never really said what happened to her. If I had anything to ask about Mom, Auntie would tell me, no questions, but she'd never say what happened, though she would try to keep from crying. I have other people beside Auntie but they don't really talk about Mom either. All I know is that Mom passed way a long time ago, when I was little.

One time, in the garden, Auntie started to talk about the flowers in it. "She used to like flowers," Auntie told me, "and she had specific ones, too." She would tell me that Mom planted all the flowers in the garden. "The flowers she liked had a color scheme," she'd say, "blues, purples, somewhere in-between." before she pointed to the sunflowers, "She liked those ones, too, and some of the other yellow flowers." She would tell me if she wondered if Mom, at first, wanted to name me after one of her flowers, but Mom was full of surprises.

There's also a room that I've never gone into. The only thing I got about that room is that it's Mom's room. Auntie never really went in there and she wouldn't really say why. Then again, I don't think I needed to know because she tried to keep herself from crying again. "Someday," she said, "we'll both be ready to go back in there." She told us that she hasn't really inside that room since I was little. Once, I asked her when I would be allowed to go in there and she told me, "When you're old enough to understand more about why she's not here."

Sometimes, Auntie is looking at a book and she's crying the whole time. I think, once, I found Auntie looking at a picture of mom, going, "I needed you, too, Sis." She tells Mom a lot of things. She told her about my first day of middle school and what her friends are up to but, mostly, she just goes, "I wish you were here to see it, Sis."

The only things Auntie told me was that Mom passed away when I was little and that Mom was beautiful. Once, she told me, "You look like her...." A thing is with Auntie is that she'd tell me about Mom whenever I'd ask but the only question she doesn't really answer is how Mom passed away. She would tell me that Mom loved me more than anything and that is why she's not here. She would say it differently each time but the reason why was usually the same. "She loved you more than anything and, as you can tell, life didn't work out in the way where you both could be here."

Once, I asked Aiko about it and she told me, "I don't know, Mii." I asked her what she thought life would be if she knew Mom. "I think Auntie would be nice. The kind of 'nice' where her hands are cold but she's not, I think." Aiko told me and I'd have to wonder that. I started to wonder what Mom smelled like and I asked Auntie this. "She was never big on perfumes or whatever but it's not like she needed any. I remember that she liked teas, so I think she smelled something like jasmine and lavender."

The other day, she gave me Mom's sweater, telling me, "I think she'd have wanted you to have that." She would tell me that, when I was little, she'd wrap me in it. "It was so it'd be like she was holding you. She never got to—" She didn't want to talk more about it but she did tell me that Mom wanted to hold me and that the sweater was Mom's favorite one. As she said, it did smell like jasmine and lavender, so I have a clue as to what she smelled like.

Sometimes, it hurts. Aiko gets to have her mom but I don't have mine and Auntie won't talk to me about her too much. I mean, I have Auntie and she loves me very much but, other than her, I don't really know what having Mom would have been like. "She misses her, too, I think." Aiko told me, when Auntie went to be alone for a bit. I asked Aiko if she missed Mom, too.

"She died before I was born."

"....."

"You're older than me, Mii."

Aiko had a point with that. How could she miss someone she didn't know? I know what it's like to have an aunt because she's been taking care of me since I was really little but I wonder what it'd be like to have Mom. If Mom were here, would Auntie not be so sad? I remember asking Auntie that and she didn't really give me answer but she said, "I guess we'll be sad together, but your mom wouldn't have wanted you to be so sad that she's gone." She would tell me that I should try at hugging Mom's sweater because, according to her, it would be like Mom holding me.

I told her that it wasn't the same. "I know, Mii, but it's all that we have. I wish she were here, too." she told me. I told her that it hurts that Aiko gets to have her mom but I don't really have mine and she told me, "I know, Mii, and it hurts that, though she brought you into the world, my sister isn't here to watch you grow up." I made a point to not tell her that anymore because she was crying after that.

Who was Mom? What was she like?