Without Her

What she left behind

If I could talk to her, I'd tell her how we're doing. I don't know if I'd have much to say but I do know that I don't think she'd like too much about what she's left behind.

I would tell her that Matoi had a baby. No dad, no, but that's okay because Mika has someone to play with. I'd tell her about how good a mom Matoi is. She left Mika in safe and capable hands. I would also tell her that Matoi got a little fatter but I could feel her pop me in the head for saying that. Actually, I can hear her voice chastising me, going, "Uzu, you know better." I would tell her that Matoi talks about her a lot, even though it hurts.

I would tell her that Nonon's got a drinking problem. She's been drinking since the funeral. We don't see her so much, nowadays, because she can't stand the fact that Mika's here but Mika's mother isn't, and, when we do see her, she's close to plastered. Once, Nonon told me, "I don't know why I'm drinking. Maybe it's to chase the memories or, maybe, it's to forget. Either way, there's not enough wine, whisky, or whatever to drown out her voice." Wine seems to be her favorite booze but, either way, she drinks so much that Matoi gave her a nickname, "Snakebite" because of that strong booze she drank on the Mika's birthday. If the drinking isn't one thing, it's the fact that her piano now collects dust. She hasn't played it since the day of the funeral. I think I remember talking to her about her drinking.

"You know she wouldn't have wanted you to drink your life away, Nonon."

"Oh, bite me! If that girl wasn't born—"

"Nonon, shut up! You know, if she were here now, she'd be heartbroken. You drink so damn much that you're unrecognizable. You're not the 'Nonon' she left behind and it's not Mika's fault."

Thinking about it, I don't think she'd like to hear about that. If anything, maybe Nonon will join her soon and then she'd know. Related to Nonon's drinking, Matoi makes a point to not keep any type of alcohol in her house. "I'd be fucking damned if I let Snakebite get to any more booze. She chugs that shit like it's water." Matoi said, "Besides, neither Mika or Aiko needs to see that."

I'd tell her that Houka still remembers when she told him she was going to be a mother. I'd tell her that he told me he kinda wishes he didn't snoop through her browsing history. He can't remember the last time he talked to her. Actually, outside of checking in, he's moved away to the next prefecture to get a jump on his career, so we don't hear a lot from him, too.

I'd tell her that Gamagoori doesn't live by himself anymore. No, he stays with Mankanshoku because they get along so well. Sometimes, they babysit Mika and, once, Gamagoori told me that it seemed like yesterday that Mika was a newborn but, now, she's in elementary school. Sometimes, Mankanshoku talks about what Ryuuko tells Mika. "Mika asks more questions about her mother but, mostly, she wants to know what she was like or why she died. Ryuuko's not sure how to tell her." Mako told me.

I'd tell her that Iori misses her. He tells me that, for as much as he misses her, he doesn't understand why Nonon turned to booze. He tells me that, for her sake, he's covering Nonon's bills but wonders if he should take her into his house because, for all of her wealth, Nonon spends a lot of money on booze. As far as how he feels about Mika, well, he loves her like daughter. He says, when Mika's old enough to know, perhaps, we should all get together and share our memories of her. I don't think I'd tell him that Nonon wouldn't be sober enough to do that and Matoi damn sure forbid Nonon from coming to her house until Nonon gets help for her drinking.

I suppose, if I had anything to tell her, it would be that the group isn't the same without her. Matoi was right—We needed her, too.