My Roman Empire

~Guilty as sin - one~

God,if I knew it was going to be so awkward,I wouldn't have come.

My life wasn't always this boring. I lived in a one bhk apartment,but I had cute plants I'd water everyday,a beautiful balcony,books that I sometimes read and a kitchen for me, specifically for me, where I can experiment with whatever I want without my mom hitting me.

Before I came to college,Lex wasn't the only girl in high school who was my friend. I was talked about behind my backs. When I say this,I mean both and women. There's nothing in my life that I have wanted more than female friends. That's when I first met Rachel. She was my everything. From elementary school to High school,we were always together. We both met Alexa in high school. We three became best friends,and we had our ups and downs,but I had unbelievable faith and trust in them. I think it's a personality trait for me,even now I give my whole devotion to a woman I'll meet and vibe with. Not something I want anymore but a force of habit.

However,it all came down when Rachel did that. And acted as if it was nothing. It was nothing to her,is what she said.

God,I was naive.

I have had plenty of men eye me like an object when I was in High school. It was weird,one day I was an ugly duck they made fun of,and the next day they started talking about me like I was a prostitute. I didn't even know when the rumours began or why.

"Too much for a wh*re who sleeps around."

A guy who sat behind my desk said that when I answered a question in classroom. It wasn't never a big deal for anyone around me. Women I wanted to be friends with, would treat me with no respect,and even though I had Rachel and lex, I'll do everything for them to like me.

Sigh. I really don't wanna think on all this.

When I came to college,I made friends and I was happy for a long while. But it all fell down. It all fell down,indeed. Things happened,and I ended up with no one by my side. Except Evans. Perhaps.

Now when he's gone.

I got up from my bed. Today's the day. I'm still gonna go anyway,no matter how much I feel it's weird for me to be so excited. I don't even like those people,but I feel they wanna find out my reality as well,as much as I wanna compare mine to theirs.

The weather's good. I love the color beige,the walls and everything in my apartment was beige and that's why I loved this apartment when I first saw it. It almost reminds me, he loved that color on me too, didn't he?

I made green tea and sat in the balcony. Gosh,it feels great.

As I sipped on my tea,I wondered what should I wear and played the song "Guilty as sin" by Taylor Swift. Today is too good for a day to be going out to meet your school bullies. Isn't it?

"Crashing into him tonight
He's a paradox
I'm seeing visions,am I bad?
Or mad? Or wise?"

Sigh. Perhaps this is how my world is supposed to be. The way I fantasize,it can never match with my reality. It's like I have caged my desires and they don't exist. But once in a while,in the dim of light,I think of all the wrong things in the world,and they have never known about it,none of them.

Will he think I'm weird again? Or he'll ignore me to bruise my ego?

The song echoed in my ears, filling my thoughts...

"What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh
Only in my mind?
One slip and falling back into the hedge maze
Oh what a way to die"

"This song. .." I sighed.

I think the lyrics are too real for me,I thought to myself. But,how does he look now? Is he...doing well? Well,he always had that generational wealth to begin with. I never had that luxury. And he never understood that either.