heartstrings

Chapter 8

Nicholas
October 7th 2017

I sat in my car, gripping the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. The clock on the dashboard glowed 2:00 AM, mocking me with its relentless march forward. 20 Minutes had slipped by since I dropped Eve off, but the fight with my dad still burned in my mind. Every heated word, every accusation, played on an endless loop. I couldn't go home. Not yet. Maybe not ever.

I rubbed my eyes and sighed, staring out the windshield into the empty street. The streetlights cast long shadows, making the neighborhood look ghostly and unrecognizable. I had no idea where to go, but I knew I had to get away. Anywhere but here.

My fingers itched to reach for my phone, to call someone, anyone, but I knew it was pointless. The people I might have called were either asleep or, worse, wouldn't care. I started the car, the engine's soft purr breaking the silence, and drove without a destination in mind.

The roads were empty, offering me a semblance of peace. The forest wasn't far. It was a place my friends and I used to go to escape the world and its demands. Tonight, it seemed like the only refuge.

I parked at the edge of the forest, the towering trees looming like silent sentinels. The darkness felt comforting, a cloak to hide in. I reached into the glove compartment and pulled out the small bag of Molly left over from Eve's birthday party. I stared at it for a moment, contemplating, before deciding that tonight, I needed an escape more than ever.

Swallowing the pill dry, I leaned back in the driver's seat, closing my eyes. The silence enveloped me, broken only by the occasional rustle of leaves in the wind. Slowly, the drug began to take effect, and I felt this familiar wave of warmth wash over me, dulling the edges of my anger and fear.

With the warmth came a flood of thoughts, deep and unrelenting. My family, the distance that had grown between us, seemed like a chasm. My dad, and how every conversation seemed to end in a fight. Would things ever be different? Would I ever feel like I belonged?

Life seemed full of choices I'd made and the ones I was too scared to make. The drugs, a temporary fix, a band-aid on a wound that needed stitches, felt like the only thing that made the pain bearable, even if only for a little while.

Way too bad thoughts settled in, weighing me down like a heavy blanket. I felt so alone, so disconnected from everything and everyone. It was like being adrift in a sea of darkness, with no shore in sight.

Lately, I'd been losing interest in everything. The things that used to excite me, the hobbies that used to keep me busy, all seemed pointless now. Each day, it was getting harder to get out of bed, to find the motivation to do even the simplest things. Eating felt like a chore, and most days I barely had the energy to bother.

I keep telling myself over and over again-- once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up-- but its getting really hard for me to believe in that.

The Molly intensified my emotions, making everything feel more profound, more intense. Eve, with her life seemingly together, contrasted sharply with my own turmoil. Did she ever feel as lost as I did? The future loomed with uncertainty, and the present felt like a void. The silence and the darkness of the forest echoed my inner turmoil.

Did anyone notice how I was slipping away, or even care? My friends, my family—did they see how I was struggling? Or was I just good at hiding it? Sometimes, it felt like screaming into a void, my cries for help swallowed by the darkness.

This didn't feel like a phase. It felt like a bottomless pit, dragging me deeper with each passing day.

I sat there for what felt like hours, lost in my thoughts, the world outside my car a distant memory. Eventually, the drug's effects began to fade, leaving me feeling empty and exhausted. But the thoughts, the deep, haunting thoughts, remained.

I knew I couldn't stay in the forest forever. Eventually, I would have to face the real world again, with all its pain and uncertainty. But for now, in the silence and the darkness, I allowed myself to feel everything, hoping that maybe, just maybe, I would find a way to make sense of it all.
Deciding that I wasn't going home tonight, I grabbed my hoodie from the backseat of my car, quickly threw it on and I exited the sanctuary of my car. I walked for around 5 minutes, finally arriving at a little shed that had belonged to my mother family.

She always used to take me there when i was little. For a while I couldn't bring myself to go back there but ever since my relationship with my father had gotten worse, the shed had become my safe space-- a space my father couldn't come to. Nobody knew about this place and i wanted to keep it that way.

Why did you have to leave me, Mom?.