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You can read/sing this to whatever tune you want.
When something's in bold text, it's being said by George. When something's in italictext, it's being said by Harold. When something's in both bold and italic text, it's being said by both of them at the same time. When something's in underlined text, it's being said by Captain Underpants.
(Verse 1: Greg Heffley)
When Heffleys get in trouble, Heffleys run. But there's no trouble; I've already won. Not out of elementary, yet you're already flunks, 'cuz your school journey's bumpier than Löded Diper van's trunk!
That thing, the hypno ring's barely hypnotizing. Made from a fling in manufacturing, it's just a cha-ching! I don't think it understands that you can't hypnotize kings, especially not me– boy, I bet that really stings!
I'm old enough to regularly take showers, but you're less mature than an egghead with powers! You should just face it; you're better off dead. Try me– you'll be Silas Scratch-ing your heads!
(Verse 2: George and Harold)
So that's what he looks like?Puberty hit him hard. Harder than he gets when he sees a girl in the yard. Listen here, Heffley Epstein– you better shut up. And if you're gonna cum, at least do it into this cup.
You're a disappointment in too many ways to count, and a narcissist of a way unholy amount. We'll destroy you in a snap; an interesting sound. You'll regret this battle– remember that now!
(Verse 3: Greg Heffley)
"In a snap", huh? That's what my dad'll do to your bones, if you rap that bad while he's down in the bedroom alone. You're so arrogant, you two just have to think you're the bomb, I've got the cheese touch; I've cheesed my way to touchin' your mom.
You've disappointed your parents, teachers, friends, what's next? You go back in time and let down a fuckin' T-Rex?! Dammit, the Snurples would teach me better if I was a kid! Guess that's why you're banned in schools– but there's a pot for every lid!
Don't forget the time that you got Halloween banned in town, the hospital patient amount must've gone way down! You ruined Christmas, too– man, what are the odds? Should've been more careful; you're watched by ancestral gods!
No wonder Krupp hates fun– you totally ruin it. I'd tell you to take a seat, but you're probably gluin' it! Your plans are thwarted by a kid who cramps brushing his teeth. You'll never find a way to win– so much for skippers of seek.
(Verse 4: George and Harold)
I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation. But with our buddy, we've got master's degrees in levitation! You tried to get superpowers, and miserably failed! Captain without his juice in comparison completely paled!
You're a weakling, an egotist, and horny as fuck, bro! I get what puberty can do to you, but this is a new low! We're both more gay than we think, but at least I could reveal it! Don't lie, I'm right on the money– at least I won't steal it!
From fudgesicles to caffeinated cans of pop, with that diet, you fit right in Marconi's Sub Shop! But you're too lazy to work; you won't move with a big push! And it's isn't a sub shop– it's "poo in MarS buSh"!
By the way, remember our snap from earlier? We called a guy who can't eat salami, but he's still burlier! Look up in the sky– guess you're waistband chow! Deliver the final blow, cap!Tra-la-laaa! Pow!
