HAVING 13

2. Shannon's first day

MISSY
January 10th 2005

It was January tenth, 2005. Shannon's first day at Tommen College.

It was still early morning when she was already in her uniform. She came from the bathroom to our bedroom.

I tiredly blinked my eyes open. I was still half-asleep, but I wanted to see her off. Her bus would be here soon; the only one passing by that arrived close to her new school on time.

"Shannon," I said. "Are you okay to go?"

"Yeah," She told me. She was lying. She was really fucking nervous and I wish I could be there with her today. "Joey's up as well."

Joey was our older brother. First there was Darren, then Joey, next was me, then Shannon, Tadhg, Ollie and finally Sean. Oldest to youngest. Darren left us, though.

I'd been working since I was twelve, just like Joe. Mam worked her ass off, too, and we chipped in sometimes. Our Da was a lazy drunk with loose hands, so he wasn't getting anywhere career-wise.

I'd saved up a decent amount of money for Joey and I's plan. When he finished school, we would move away to a small apartment, close enough to school, and work a second job. Soon, we'd have enough money to take in Shannon. After at least six months, we could take the rest. After another year, we would move in to a bigger place.

That was the plan.

Except, Mam got pregnant again, so our plan wasn't an option anymore. I wouldn't be able to live with leaving a baby behind.

We'd be stuck a few more years.

Darren had taken the easiest way out. He left when he turned eighteen. He would probably be twenty-six soon.

He didn't get kicks to the stomach or punches in the teeth. He got slaps on the cheek and an insult or lecture here and there.

Darren was the golden boy. The first-born. Ma's favourite. Tadhg and Ollie were Mam's babies, her tough little hurling stars. Shannon was her perfect daughter. Sean was her actual baby. Joey was her protector.

They were something to her. Even Joey. She still acknowledged him. She still needed him.

I was nothing. I wasn't a child of hers. I was basically nonexistent.

I could hand her papers to sign, and she'd just sign, a cigarette in her left hand, lifelessly taking it to her lips and dutifully ignoring my existence.

I was a reflection of her, personality wise. I looked more like my Da, sadly, considering features, but I behaved and reacted exactly like Marie Lynch. She felt like she was looking in a mirror, at herself, when she looked at me.

So she just didn't.

Because what Teddy Lynch once found in her, he now found in me, and she resented me for it.

For years, Joey and I had to calm our siblings down and lie through our teeth whenever he violated Mam.

Now, I had to lie through my teeth to Joe and our siblings whenever he violated me.

I like to think no one would do that to their children, but since 2003, he'd gotten bored of Mam. His eyes changed once he started viewing me in that way.

I wasn't his helpless daughter he could beat whenever, I was a girl living in his house that he could use whenever.

I had considered many ways out;

I tried to die, left envelopes with notes and cash to Joey, Shan and Tadhg.

I woke up perfectly alive, and it made me realise that if you have letters to write, you have reasons to stay.