HAVING 13

9. At fifteen and sixteen

MISSY
February 3rd 2003

I was walking around a shop, runny nose and puffy eyes, trying to find a pregnancy test. I couldn't stop crying.

The last month or two, I'd started puking incessantly. I also realised I hadn't had a period since before Christmas.

Not to mention, my stomach was a little bigger than usual and I'd gained irregularly much weight, despite not being fed well at home. I also got emotional more often, like right now.

In my head I was still an untainted girl who'd drank too much of the good stuff and consumed too many of the wrong substances; who'd been dragged into a bedroom by a grown man at the Christmas party I went to. I didn't remember any of it. I don't think I ever wanted it.

If thirteen year old little Missy could see me now, she'd have killed herself then.

I finally spotted it. I yanked the box off the shelf and started the walk of shame to the cash register.

I slid it on the counter and restlessly looked around, waiting from this open-mouthed-gum-chewing lady to finish scanning one fucking box.

"Will that be all?" She asked in a monotonous voice.

"Yeah." I slapped a tenner on the counter.

She took her time getting my change. "Need a plan B with that?"

"No," I said. What the fuck, lady?

"You're way too young to be getting it on." She laughed in my face. "Good luck raising a child, kid."

I ignored her, snatched my change and the test from the counter and ran out as fast as I could. I ran into a blonde boy and girl while walking out, quickly excusing myself before walking on.

Half an hour later I found myself in a gas station bathroom, having turned the test around on the sink.

I was sobbing my heart out.

If I turned it, and it was positive, how would I ever live with myself? How would Joey, or Shannon, or anyone, see me the same way?

I would be just like my mother, while Tag was exactly like my father.

I heaved, shaking heavily as I decided to get it over with.

I took the test between two of my fingers, closed my eyes, flipped it around, prayed and opened them again.

Two lines.

•

MISSY
April 29th 2003

Weeks later, my stomach had started to show more, so I decided to face it. I stood up to Taggart.

I had told him the same day I found out. He said to get rid of it. I couldn't.

See, I didn't want to be like Marie and become a mother in secondary school, but I had little choice. Abortion wasn't an option and I honestly didn't like the thought of that pain.

I didn't want to have a baby. I didn't want an abusive asshole's child growing in me. I wanted to be a normal teen. I would've rather hung myself than have Taggart Brady's baby.

But I'd have to, and I swore I would give her or him a better life than mine. After my baby would be born, I would run off to a women's domestic violence shelter.

I would keep contact with my siblings and work a job for a few months until I could afford a small place. Then I'd take as many of them in as I could, and everyone would be safe, including my baby.