"Excuse me. Is this yours?" I stopped myself from walking downstairs. I turned around to check if it was him, and there he was—the guy I've been admiring for almost two years now. He was wearing his tidy, well-ironed uniform.
With our close distance, I could smell his perfume, which went deep inside me. Ano kayang pabango nito?
"Hey!" he waved his hand to get me back from zoning out.
"Ano nga iyon?" tanong ko sa kanya. Habang pinagmamasdan ko siya, ang puso ko naman ang hindi makakalma.
"Sa'yo yata ito?" malumanay niyang tanong. Napatingin ako sa hawak niya sa kanyang kaliwang kamay.
My Journal
"Naiwan mo sa library. I just assumed that it was yours since you are the only one sitting near my table." Hindi naman siguro niya nahalata na sinadya kong maupo malapit sa table na kinauupuan niya.
"Ah. Yes! Akin nga iyan." Bigla akong pinasok ng kaba sa aking dibdib nang maalala ko kung ano ang mga nakalagay sa loob ng journal ko.
"Thank You!"
"No worries. Just Always check your belongings. By the way, I need to go," nakangiti niyang saad. "Ingat," dagdag pa niya sabay tapik sa kaliwang balikat ko.
Na estatwa ako sa aking kinatatayuan, pinoproseso kung ano ang nangyari. Saka ako napatingin sa aking journal. Did he see what's inside this journal?
I flipped to the very first page and saw what was written in my own handwriting.
He is spiritually oriented, a guy who I don't think would ever get himself into trouble.
He's a star, a talented one, always the crowd's favorite, humble and kindhearted, and I'm just this someone that will always stare on and admire him from afar.
In the first place, I knew already that I'll just get hurt because of this feeling, but still I decided and chose to admire him above saving myself from drowning in a place where no one could save me.
It's painful sometimes, yet I found joy in admiring him.
I don't have any regrets about falling for him, I don't regret falling for you, Kaiden.
Napamura ako nang mahina bago ako nagpatuloy sa pagbaba.
It's been two years since I started admiring Kaiden. We're now in our senior year and soon we'll be entering our college life.
Hindi nga lang kami parehas ng strand. Nasa HUMSS1 siya, samantalang nasa ABM1 naman ako.
Sa sobrang lawak ng school, madalang ko lang siyang makita. Minsan sa cafeteria, sa hallway at madalas sa gate tuwing uwian, inaabangan siyang makalabas.
No one knows that I have feelings for him, not even my friends. I just wanted to keep it to myself, to keep it as my little secret, since falling in love with the same gender here feels wrong. Well, that's their mindset. Especially that we're here in this catholic school.
Sobrang dami pa rin ang hindi tanggap ang ibang kasarian. Basta ang alam lang nila, Babae at Lalaki lang daw ang nilikha ng Diyos.
Na ang babae ay para sa lalaki, at ang lalaki ay para sa babae lang.
Na walang lugar sa Langit ang mga taong hindi susunod sa nakasaad sa bibliya.
Honestly, living like this is incredibly difficult. Concealing your true identity just to please everyone and fit into society's standards is exhausting. It feels like I'm constantly wearing a mask, pretending to be someone I'm not, and the weight of this pretense is suffocating.
