Diary of a 20 something

27 Club

I've always heard so many things about the 27 Club. So heartbreaking really to hear about so many young artists who just couldn't take it anymore. So understandable in my opinion because life is so hard sometimes. I've recently found this song by Tierra Whack called 27 Club and it spoke to me. I am currently 27 and this has been such an eye-opening year for me. I have always wanted to take my own life back in the day. My earliest attempt was just 12 years old. So young to be having these thoughts. As I type these words I just feel all the feelings of that young girl. Never felt protected, never felt loved, never felt seen and most importantly never felt heard. My next attempt would be high school. I thought I would never make it out of that school alive. Not just suicidal thoughts but the simple feeling of I just felt trapped. I thought the world would end before I made it out and I thought I would end my own world before I made it out. God this hurts to type but it needs to be said. I just had so much trauma and I just didn't know what to do. The next time would be in my early 20s. I was working so much and had such a toxic home life. I stayed back from college to help my family and at that time so much was going on. I felt like everything was on me as usual. I was driving home from work and just started screaming. I wanted to run my car off the road into a tree so badly. I just didn't want to feel anything anymore. The only thing that has ever kept me here was my siblings. How could I as their older sister leave them here? What would they think? I wanna cry right now just thinking about it. I held on more and more even though I was screaming on the inside for sweet relief. The next and last time would be around 23-24. I was finally in my own home with my now husband. I moved out of my childhood home and was just still flooded with so much.  I was feeling guilty for choosing myself. How could I leave my siblings? They have always been my lifeline. I couldn't take it anymore. If I stayed any longer I strongly believe I would have done it. My head space was everywhere. These thoughts followed me to my new home. I recently told close friends and relatives that I went through an alcoholic stage for about 2 years. I worked nights, still having bad trauma affect me and so stressed. I would take my sleeping pills with vodka every morning. I just was so numb. I would go into fits of rage and depression. It was just such a bad time for me. Even though I had moved and life was coming together I still was struggling mentally. Around this time I had got into spirituality and honestly, it saved me. I had finally found something that helped me understand myself. I finally just said enough is enough. My healing was on me and I had to get it together. I have fought my whole life for myself. And in my weakest point, all I had was my husband. He made me realize that I was important and that I was in charge of my story. I finally stopped drinking and started doing the shadow work. So much came out of me over the years. I used to always say if I get everybody else straight I can go ahead and get myself together. That's no good way of thinking. You have to take care of yourself. You have to get up and keep fighting for you. People will drag you to the darkest places and when you're reaching out for a hand nobody will be there but you. Some people can help you don't get me wrong but it starts with you. I said all this to say that when I hit 27 all these thoughts flooded into my mind. I cried because despite all the pain and trauma I had endured I was still here. I can't say enough how grateful and blessed I am to still be here. They say 27 is a magical year. Honestly, for me, it has been. I lived to see it and it has been so eye-opening. The amount of growth that has shined through this year has shown me that I am healing. In 3 months I will be 28 and I am ready to see it. So I may not be a celebrity or whatever but I pray that everybody makes it past 27 and never joins the 27 Club because we all have so much good to offer the world. If you wanna commit to anything commit to yourself.