Sign Me Up - Post Malone

1

"Wait...I...what?"

"It's not that complicated, Slone."

"Uh...ok...let me just...what? My mind is fucking blown. Let me just recap what the fuck I think you just said...this is fucking insane? Is it even legal?" I ask. My brain is melting with this delicious drama Lou has hurled at me on this lovely toasty warm Sunday afternoon.

"Is what legal, Slone?"

"Your brother and father having a threesome with the secretary!"

"No! How the fuck did you land up with that in your head? What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"There are a lot of things wrong with me, Lou. But, I don't think you get to judge me after the incestuous story you just told me about your family."

Lou groans and flops back on the couch. Maybe I didn't hear her correctly. I am pretty sure I heard her correctly. "Did you not just say your older brother fucked his secretary then your dad fucked the secretary. Did they tag team? Did they just climb on her and fight it out for her hole? That's some fucked up shit. What I don't get is you also said your dad is in love, and the secretary is in love too. Why did they throw your brother in the mix? Also, why is your brother raging mad? Is he not in love? Or is he in love with the secretary? Oh, fuck! Is he in love with your Dad? Jail! Your brother needs to go to jail. Also, who is getting married? I am still horrified and disgusted by your brother. You should not be telling anyone this story. Disown your brother! But, also this story is strangely fascinating! Tell me more!" I say taking a sip of my beer because Lou's family drama is dramatic and while I love dramatic I am also easily sidetracked so my head hurts a little at how much I have to concentrate. There are a lot of bends and turns in her story. But, this is fantastic! I scramble up and grab a pad and a pen, a highlighter too to highlight the important bits when I read over my notes later. I am a sucker for drama and Lou is giving me a front-row seat to potentially the greatest drama I will ever experience in my lifetime. Add the fact that I will be part of it too - my life is now complete.

"OK! Start from the beginning. Be detailed and don't leave anything out," I say rushing back to the couch and flopping down, my pen at the ready to jot down this fabulous drama. "Slone, that is not the story I told you. Do not repeat that shit or people with think my family is fucked up and weird," Lou groans and then looks at Harry with a nervous face. He smiles at her and shrugs. "She over-dramatises everything. Just explain it to her again, slowly. She won't judge," he says. "I will absolutely judge," I chip in. It's true. I judge, I gossip, I light fires. It's who I am. Harry gives me a pointed look then turns back to Lou. "She will also have our backs. Trust me, we will want her there. The girl has never let me down before," he says.

I don't know Lou well. I met her three months ago when Harry brought her home and announced he was in love. And by the way, he has her constantly pushed up against a wall or bent over the kitchen table, I agree with him. Harry and I are best friends. We have been like that since kindergarten and when we became adults we remained close. We moved in together and developed a codependency - he feels the need to run around putting out the fires I start while I make sure no one fucks with him. We both win. But, now he has Lou and she means a fuck ton to him so she means a fuck ton to me.

"OK," Lou says with a sigh. "So my big brother fucked his secretary a while back. Then he walked into his office to find my father fucking fucking the secretary on his desk one day. He lost his shit, threw his desk out of the window, thirty floors, then punched my dad and broke his nose. He then fired the secretary and helped my mother with divorcing my father and cleaning him out."

"Your brother sounds dramatic."

"My brother was pissed the fuck off."

"So who is in love?"