Days without you

Chapter 4: Bad Dreams

Day 04

4th May 2024, Saturday

I finally fell asleep close to 6:00hrs after shedding a bucket of tears, only to be abruptly awakened by a disturbing dream at 6:50hrs. Essentially, I only managed to survive with 50 minutes of sleep – if you can even call it that. A power nap, perhaps? I felt like a lifeless body; unable to move, burdened with heaviness and pain. My head throbbed as if someone were drilling into it. When I caught sight of myself on camera, I didn't even recognize the person staring back – I looked like a horrible monster. To top it off, I experienced a nosebleed for the first time in my life! Quite ironic, isn't it? What is exactly wrong with me? I think I'm just suffering from lovesickness. I never imagined it could manifest so severely. I thought I could tough it out while he was away, but unfortunately, everything seems to be falling apart. What has this long-distance relationship done to me? It's incredibly frustrating and depressing!

The moment I woke up from that dream, I immediately sent him a morning text. I attempted to return to bed but couldn't shake off the discomfort. I was just grumbling about pains here and there, whining like a little baby.

His text arrived at 10:59hrs, and we managed to have a rather lengthy conversation this time. I suppose it's the weekend, which might mean less activity? I'm not entirely sure. I didn't delve into what he's doing there because I don't think I'd ever fully grasp it, no matter how much he explains! Haha. But at least I asked about his day and how the project was going, expressing hope that everything goes smoothly as planned.

In my dream, he was posted out for another offshore job, this time somewhere even further away. After much consideration and discussion with me, he decided to take the offer and pursue it. All I could remember was that the project lasted about 8 months, with him having 1-2 weeks off or rest days in between to spend time with loved ones. I was supposed to be in the hometown where he was posted.

Initially, the first few months seemed fine, but around the 5-month mark, things started to fall apart. He didn't want me to visit him during his rest weeks, and I could sense that something fishy was going on. We argued constantly over text messages. Long story short, we ended up in a big argument that led to a breakup. Everything we had planned was ruined, and it was incredibly heart-breaking.

Returning to our conversations, I believe our fears revolved around the distance we've been enduring. My perpetual trust issues clashed with his fear of our relationship crumbling apart. Honestly, I never anticipated falling in love with him. I grappled with my trust issues, letting my heart guide me. I couldn't shake the feeling that Tristan might be one of the many unknown guys attempting to get close to me, perhaps even a stalker on Instagram. I attempted to push Tristan away not once, not twice, but thrice, cautioning myself against proceeding out of fear of falling victim to a love scam. It may sound ridiculous, I know. However, I quickly brushed off those thoughts, reassuring myself that it wasn't true, and that Tristan was someone special whom God had sent to me. When I confided this to him, he wasn't pleased at all.

I shared with him that I had packed in my luggage to carry around before meeting him. What I was trying to convey was the plan my brain had concocted: half of it was prepared for the possibility that he was indeed the real person who would meet and fetch me from the airport, while the other half was bracing for the scenario where he turned out to be someone untrue (like the love scam I feared). All of this was to mentally prepare myself, packaging it as part of my luggage. Another aspect was akin to having Plan A and Plan B in place. What if things turned into a disaster? Where would I end up, alone in another country, even though it's just the opposite?

It was during this conversation that he became quite antipathetic with me, understandably so, for my silly doubts about his love for me. I suppose the main reason behind my persistent doubt stemmed from the nature of our relationship, especially the distance that sets it apart from others in long-distance relationships. Unlike many other LDR couples who stay connected through frequent Skype or Zoom calls, or other modes of communication, we rarely video called to see each other. And even when we did, it was often disrupted by external factors, making things challenging for us. It seemed Tristan felt this too, which is why my continued doubt about his love stirred his anger. His frustration was palpable, even from my end. We eventually ended our conversation at 16:01hrs.

I must admit, I was rather distracted while I was out running errands for my evening guests. I knew I was in the wrong, especially since he was truly upset with me for the first time. I waited anxiously for his text, which finally arrived at 17:25. The way he texted, the tone he used, and the way he treated me all seemed to change out of the blue. He appeared bothered, yet not bothered, not his usual self.

I took the opportunity to apologize to him as sincerely as I could. I didn't want whatever I had dreamt to become a reality just because of one foolish mistake that snowballed. I didn't want the situation to escalate further, potentially affecting him on his side. Therefore, I told him I would give him some space to cool down.

Continuing with my tasks, I couldn't shake off the restless and uneasy feeling, constantly thinking about him. Why did we have to go through all of this in the first place? It didn't seem fair to either of us. If it weren't for the distance, perhaps the situation wouldn't be as difficult as it is now.

He returned quite late, which I understood completely. He needed time and space to think and cool down. His text, which I had been eagerly anticipating, finally arrived at 21:26. By then, I was already engaged with my last guest before closing the book on this year's Eid celebrations.

As usual, he urged me to stop feeling doubtful and to accept the fact that his love for me was genuine. He pleaded with me not to repeat this again and expressed hope that I could put an end to these doubts. I sought his forgiveness for the first time and felt genuinely remorseful about it.

Learning that his day hadn't gone well because he felt stressed due to what I had said, I felt a pang of guilt. He was being honest with me, as I had requested, and it hurt to know that my words had affected him and distracted him from work. Honey, if you're reading this, please know that I didn't intend to hurt you or cause you stress. It's my fault this time, and I truly am sorry. Please don't hate me.

I don't know what's going through your mind at this moment. Suddenly, our conversation became so intense that the atmosphere in my room turned chilly. My heart raced uncontrollably, and I wasn't prepared to hear about any bad decisions.

Earlier, he had confided in me about the possibility of retiring early and his plans to start his own venture with his own capital. I suppose he had been contemplating this while he was away. He had mentioned before that if his job started to significantly impact our relationship and create obstacles, he would consider resigning. However, despite what he had mentioned earlier, no definitive conclusion had been reached yet.

I'm just afraid of what the future holds for us. I don't want him to feel regretful about quitting his job because of me, and I certainly don't want to be blamed for it in the future. It's evident that his job is preventing him from spending time with me, and he's starting to feel the impact more and more. It's a realization that leaves me speechless and deeply affected.

I understand that bringing him onboard here in Auckland will take time and careful consideration of our future together. It's not going to be as easy as we may have initially thought. We need to ensure financial stability regardless of whether it's him or me joining the other.

I wasn't fully aware of the extent to which I've caused changes in his life since we started dating. But to be honest, I've changed too. I've changed a lot in my outlook and my actions, and he's the reason why I can smile, leave the past behind, and move forward. He's all I can think about, and I'm determined to keep our relationship healthy and ensure it ends with a happy ending.

We texted each other late into the night and early morning, finally deciding to end our conversation at 02:29. Even then, I continued to ponder how I could make him happy and be the last woman standing in his life.

I fought against those intrusive thoughts for nearly an hour. At one point, I even felt like taking a knife and cutting myself open just to see what was causing me so much distress. It was a terrible experience, and I just wanted to have some peace and be left alone. I eventually drifted off to sleep at 07:00.

Yours Truly,

Thea, 0800am