Leah's Girl - Bless the Broken Road

Feelings and acceptance

After my conversation with Ivy I had no choice but to try and help myself more. Having Ivy here feels like I don't have to hide away anymore. I enjoy her company and what's more is that I know she enjoys mine. We do nothing but laugh and have a good time together. In the same way that having her here is making me like her even more. I'm literally falling in love with her but she openly admitted to not having feels for me anymore after the way I treated her friend. For some reason that hurts.
Last night we were laid together on the sofa watching lord of the rings as she shifted her body closer to mine. All I wanted to do was lie in her arms. I wanted to sleep with her. Not in a sexual desirable way (of course I want that) but in a way that makes me feel safe.
She is an absolutely amazing person and what's more is she is fucking stunning. But I have to hold myself back around her when all I want to do is kiss her.
Today we are going to the cinema, she wanted to watch a new film that's out so I offered to go with her. But I feel like I need Dutch courage to actually sit through the entire film without wanting to touch her in any way shape or form. She is literally the definition of perfection but she doesn't want me the way that I want her. In her eyes this is just a friendship to her. I also miss sex. Which is bad considering it hasn't been that long. But it's the only thing I can offer at this time. What's worse is I know that the international break is coming up and the camp is 4 weeks long. Part of me thinks that Ivy will be called up by Sarina, she has been playing exceptionally well recently. I mean we've kept a clean sheet in every game that she has played and proceeded to win every single match. She has bought something special to the WSL.

Waiting for Ivy to get back from the shops feels like forever I just want to get the cinema over and done with but at the same time I don't. Until I here the front door open and her call out my name
I- Leah where are youuuuu ?
L - I'm in my room, getting ready
I - Okay I'm going to shower and then get ready. I hope you'll be ready within 45 minutes
L - I will be.
I - shall I drive or will you drive
L - please let me be your passenger princess today
I - such a child always
L - what no I just like to admire the road without worrying if I'm going to crash.
I - ok Leah, I'll drive if you buy the snacks in the cinema
L - Deal.

I can hear her laughing back at that. I want to be the passenger princess because I may or may not have drank something already today. Which is bad and I'm going against my word. But it's the only thing that's making me feel somewhat human and capable of being the confident version of myself. And if Ivy gets called up. Then I don't have to worry about being caught.

...
45 minutes later as if she had a timer Ivy knocks on my bedroom door.
L - come in
I - are you ready
L - I've been ready for the last 15 minutes. You are just a high maintenance girl who needs extra time.
I - slightly offended at being called high maintenance by someone who literally has a spare room full of her clothes and shoes.
L - right that's not fair.
I - if you can't take it. Don't give it.
L - okay that's fair. Are we going then.
I - yes.

Arriving at the cinema and Ivy ordering the biggest bucket of popcorn that they had to offer I smiled to myself. I really wanted to tell her how i was feeling but I couldn't bring myself to do so. It's like she's everything to me and I'm nothing to her. Plus I'd rather save myself from rejection and the insane vulnerability that would come with it.
I - we have the seats at the back. That's perfect.
L - seats are seats. I will probably fall asleep
I - no you can't. What if it's scary
L - then just hold my hand.
I - ok. I will do that.

I can't help but laugh at her and she calls me childish. Very far from the truth. When we get into the cinema we make our way to the seats at the back of the cinema. We get comfy and the film starts. It's a little horror film it's nothing major otherwise I would have kindly declined. I don't like them at all. And offering for her to hold my hand means that if she wants it then she can't. But I kinda need it too.
About 30 minutes into the film it starts to get jumpy and I don't like it whatsoever. I tense up and it's actually kind of scaring me. The worst part is I can't exactly go on my phone to take my mind off it.
I look to Ivy who clearly isn't as scared as I am right now.
Whispering to her
L - I know I said if you get scared you can hold my hand but I also kind of said that in case I get scared to.
I - you can hold my hand le
L - le. I like that. Thank you.