Leah's Girl - Bless the Broken Road

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Last night I managed to fall asleep quite well I think that may be because of the fact that Ivy is back today. But I'm still quite tired. I went to bed around 3 am and it's currently 6:30am. I'm not saying that this is a brilliant amount of sleep. But it's more than what have been getting.

As I get out of bed and head into the bathroom to turn on the shower I can't help but notice how frail and damaged I look between the drinking. Not sleeping and not eating I look weak, getting myself into the shower. It hits me just how hard all of this is. Crouching down on the floor so I'm slumped against the wall. I hang my head in my hands. I want to cry but I feel like I can't. Like I have no reason too. Just like before.

Between the age of 16-22, in between figuring out who I was and who I wanted to become. I was diagnosed with depression, my mum was my rock. She helped me through it all. But before that this feeling is replicating exactly what I had felt for all those years. Like I'm nothing but something at the same time.
Back when I was in the last year of school. People started to talk more and more about me and the life I had chosen to live. Playing football and barely making time for my friends. From the age of 6 all I wanted to do was play for Arsenal, it was a dream. But I was constantly in a state of whether to choose being a teenager or not. From then on I vowed never to get to that point again however I can feel myself slowly reaching rock bottom. And once I'm there. I can't save what happens next.

Ivy doesn't know any of this and I don't want to burden her with it. She has her own issues she's going through (Figuring out what she likes in terms of women) And as for the girls at Arsenal we all agree that home and work should be kept that way. As in home is at home and Work is work.

I know that some of the girls are my second family but I believe that somethings are best left unshared. Everyone knows me as Leah Williamson. Notorious for not smiling and whatever else. I'm a footballer and right now I can't do that. And it's draining on the inside.

As I'm caught up with my thoughts I fail to hear the front door open, as I'm just laid in bed staring up at the ceiling Ivy's voice comes through
'Leah'
Startled but happy I realise she is stood in the doorway of my room
'Hey Ivy, how was camp'
I - 'It was actually very good, I enjoyed it and omg the rooms are nice and the food and the girls and Sarina is possibly the strictest yet nicest human being on earth no'
I have to giggle to myself a little over the excitement this girl is feeling.
'It great isn't it. Also you can come and join me'
I say opening the duvet inviting her in. To which she jumps to straight away'
'I'm glad you enjoyed it, I was nervous for you' I whisper as she turns to face me.
'It was everything I've ever dreamed of le, it's just sad you weren't there with me, how's it been since we were last here'
'Yeah good' I say bluntly. I can't lie to her but I can't tell her the truth of how I am actually feeling on the inside.
'Was that you trying to convince me or yourself'
'No it was good. Just the same old house with the same boring company with the same shitty routine and the lack of sleep, sex and drinks, yeah it's all good. Infant might stay within this life a little longer' I exclaimed swallowing the tears that have slowly built up. Ivy looked at me stunned like I hadn't told her my feelings before hand.
'Why don't you talk to someone le. Someone who can help with the anger and sadness you have built up ?'
'Because then I'm admitting defeat in my emotions Iv, I cannot comprehend the amount of times I've tried and failed. Your the only person I want to talk to and I don't know why'
'Will you try again for me'
'I don't know if physically or mentally I have the capacity to get through more therapy sessions. They drain me. They drag up things I've forgotten about and it makes me feel more hurt and more unwanted desire. I had a coping mechanism. Wasn't a good one but was one and now because I owe it to you I can't do that either. And I'm sorry Ivy but I miss that side of it all. I missed being able to drink away my thoughts. Or burying my feelings through being paralytic. I cannot physically see a way out anymore and I can't go to therapy not again'
'Your stronger than you believe you are Leah, it might be hard now but when you reach the end of the recovery you'll realise that you were meant to be put in this position to find your way out again. Somethings in life just happen and this is your time. I'm here to help you le. Not because I need to or have to. But because I want to'
'Thank you. I needed to hear that, how's erm finding a gf going'
'Meh I mean girls are definitely more emotional but no one seems to be making me feel things the way I want to feel them and half of them are only there to satisfy their own needs. Kinda boring searching just going to wait for someone to come to me I think'
'Ahaha, well maybe you just need someone who knows how to make you get to the finish line to change your mind'
'Yeah maybe I do. Or just continue doing it myself' she said with a laugh
'Yeah time to change the subject'
'Ooo why is that I'm intrigued'
'Because I want to change the subject. Talking about sex no matter who it is turns me on wayyyy too much and because I am trying to better myself I cannot go and have sex with someone to satisfy said needs'
'Yeah okay point proven, I am currently the same'
'We should probably go to sleep le'
'Yeah we should'
As she gets uk to make a move towards the door I pull her back towards me
'Stay with me please'
'Why'
'Because you make sense to me Ivy and I can't sleep properly at the moment. Hoping having you here might help me'
'Okay, let me get dressed I'll be back'
'Okay thank you'

As she slowly makes her way back into my bed she pulls me into her, stroking my hair and planting kisses on my head whispering 'I think your truly amazing Leah, anyone would be lucky to have you' I just smile before drifting off to sleep.